Wat da Wat?

photo by triumphbooks.com

Perhaps the reason why I have such an optimistic view in life is because I am a DIE HARD CUB FAN!

Yes, it is true; they haven’t won a World Series since 1908, which makes it exactly 100 years. But I know for sure that if I die before the Cubs win the World Series, at least one of my children will be able to see this momentous occasion. And when this happens, all my children will undoubtedly order a World Series ring in my honor.

My fanaticism with the Cubs started with my dad. He was also a big Cub fan that is until the White Sox won the World Series and then he became a “Chicago Fan.” You can imagine how I felt that day when this was revealed to me. This was a betrayal beyond Benedict Arnold.  But, I had to get over it; after all he is my father.

What I don’t understand though is how my children are so indifferent when it comes to the Cubbies. I thought I raised them properly. We watched games together and I took them to see the game. But, the only one who really shows interest on the Cubs is the 3 year old, but this only happens if his favorite shows on TV are not on.

Perhaps my children’s apathy towards the Cubs is an ongoing conspiracy among my children to make Daddy’s life miserable. If you think that I am paranoid, keep on reading and judge for yourself. The following are examples of how my children purposely root against the Cubs just so they can spite me.

1. When we went to see the Cubs at Wrigley Field or see the Cross-town Classic against the Sox, they don’t even pay attention to the game. Their focus is on the cotton candy, ice cream, hot dogs, and going to the bathroom every time the Cubs are about to bat.

2. They always want to make a bet with me and of course they always pick the other team to win.

3. The Prodigal Son will text me from work just to let me know that the Cubs are losing or have lost. And, all his text messages are punctuated with, “Yea!”

4. I have been going to Cubs games for a long time now and I never had any opportunity to catch a ball. Finally, last year, the Family Genius and I went to one of the games. We had an excellent opportunity to grab a foul ball. The ball literally rolled passed the Family Genius and went under her seat. Instead of grabbing the ball, she allowed a kid sitting two seats down to go under her seat and to take the baseball. Man, the only time that I wanted her to be ruthless and selfish she couldn’t deliver for Daddy.

5. This is my favorite; the Guy in the Middle will actually watch the game with me so that he can make fun of the Cubs and then see how I would react. After a couple of, “Cubs sucks, there gonna lose, and aaaahaaaa,” the Guy in the Middle would normally exit the room because he knows that the next time he opens his mouth he will have to pay a hefty price.

Ok, my children are not really monstrous when it comes to the Cubs. They did mourn with me when the Cubs lost Game 6 of the 2003 National League Championship Series against the Florida Marlins; the infamous Bartman Ball incident. But this only lasted for the night. The following morning they were already hatching a plan on how to irk me for the next season.

This is ok. I can take all the abuse from them because they are my children and I love them. But mark my word. As soon as the Cubs win the World Series, I will redo all their bedrooms Cubby blue. Everything in their bedroom will remind them of the Cubs victory. I will play the song Go Cubs Go over and over again. And I will make them swear their allegiance to the Cubs and if they refuse to do so, then there’s always room in the garage.

GO CUBS!

Do you feel a sense of guilt when you spend the entire Sunday watching football or your favorite sports? You will be glad to know that you are not the only one. Many of us sensitive guys or what some of my friends call “wimps,” feel this guilt that somehow by watching sports all day or all weekend we are neglecting our wives, girlfriends, or fiancé.To ease this sense of guilt and to preserve our relationships and at the same time scream at the top of our lungs cheering for the Cubs, the Bears, the Bulls, and the Badgers, I came up with 5 highly effective strategies to employ during this time. Of course, being the sensitive husband that I am, I asked my wife to approve my list.

Here they are:

1. Do House Work: I do not mean for you to do the regular house work that you normally do like throwing out the garbage or vacuuming the carpet. What you need to do is the house work that she normally does and that she normally hates doing. My wife hates cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry. So naturally I would do the laundry Saturday morning before the college games start. By the time the first college game is underway I am finished with the laundry and I can relax knowing that I have done something that would please my wife. For good measure, I make sure that she sees all the folded clothes just to remind her of my good deed. On Football Sunday, I tackle the bathrooms in our house. NFL kick-off starts usually around 12:00 p.m. If I start cleaning by 10 a.m. I could be finished by the time Terri, Howie and Jimmy go live on FOX. And of course again, I make a point that she notices that I am cleaning the bathroom. Sometimes when there’s a really big game and I don’t want to be disturbed during the game, I cook breakfast for her and my children, then after breakfast I clean the bathroom. This one is a grand slam! How can she complain or give you a guilt trip after performing all these good deeds. As I stated earlier, you have to do the chores that she normally does and that she hates to do. So if she hates washing the dishes roll-up your sleeves and start washing.

2. Shopping: This one is my wife’s favorite. There’s a few ways you can do this. You can either get her friends to take her shopping, have your children ask her to go shopping, or you can take her shopping the day before the game. I guarantee you that she will not forget this. And, if you need to improve your chances of guilt free sports weekend, make sure you hold her purse while she tries on different outfits.

3. Plan a Date after the Game: If your partner is like mine, then this strategy will work for you. Hype-up the “date” the day before or the morning of the big game. The key to the success of this strategy is to make her so excited and anxious about the date that she will spend a lot of time preparing for it. Since she will be pre-occupied with getting herself ready, she will not have the time to pay attention to you watching the game. She will be so busy trying to figure out the right outfit, matching her shoes and jewelry that by the time she finishes with all her preparation the games will be over and you will be all suited up and ready to go. If your team wins and end up having a nice time out with your lady, who knows you might get lucky before the night is over. This is what you call a perfect day.

4. Take the Children Out (if you have children):This is one of my favorites because she can have an alone time and I get a chance to spend time with my children. I take the children out two hours before the game starts. The first stop is food. As long as the children are fed, they will not be complaining. The next stop is my parents or my sister’s house. My children love going to their grandparents or aunt’s house because they will get spoiled. And my parents love it when we stop by because they get a chance to spend time with their grandchildren. While my parents and my children are busy spending time with each other, I go to the basement and turn on the game. One of the best parts of watching the game at my parents’ house is that there’s an endless supply of junk food. After the game, I may take the children out for dinner or catch a matinee show. Good time is had by all!

5. Give Her a Massage: If you don’t know how to give massages, LEARN! This strategy works every time. You can give your wife or girlfriend a massage 30 minutes before the game starts. Once you get better at this, you can give her a message while you watch the pre-game show. By the time the game starts, she will be so relax that she might fall asleep thus leaving you to watch the game in peace. Don’t worry if she wakes up during the game because she will be in such a good mood that most likely she will watch the game with you or better yet she will make you a snack and refresh your drink. Another advantage of giving her a massage is that if you do it right, there’s a good chance that you might get her frisky and if the stars are lined-up, you might get lucky before kick-off.

So there you have it, five very effective strategies for sensitive guys’ successful sports weekend. You can employ these strategies individually, combine them, or do a rotating schedule. The bottom line is that in order for you to really enjoy the game, you have to be guilt free from spending too much time in front of the television during the weekend.

Some of my friends say that I shouldn’t feel guilty doing this because I work hard all week and this a time for me to unwind. My wife says, unwinding and relaxing and watching sports all weekend is fine if you live by yourself. But, if you have a partner or a family, the weekend is really the only time that you can devote all your attention to them without worrying about work.

I agree with my wife, but at the same time also I need to satisfy my passion which is watching or playing sports. So with my desire to fulfill both of my passion, I came up with these strategies and I must say that it’s been working like clockwork.