I’ve often struggled whether my wife and I are raising our girls properly. Are we raising them to be strong and independent women or are we raising them to conform to any label, category, or type that society and culture gives and requires them to be.

I had hope that Senator Clinton would have the opportunity to serve as the President of the United States so that I can show my two daughters that it’s possible to be the most powerful person on the planet and be a woman. But, it appears that America will deprive Senator Clinton of this privilege.

So how can I show my daughters that in America, there’s no glass ceiling for women? How can I show them that they can raise a family and simultaneously be successful in their careers? How can I show them that they won’t have to make a choice between their children and their passion?

I wish I have the answers.

I suppose they can look to their mother as an example. Their momma is a strong and successful career woman and she’s also a very caring mother and wife. But, she also had to endure plenty of restrictions that our culture and society has imposed on her.

It’s actually not difficult to raise confident, intelligent, and independent young ladies. My wife and I make sure that all the children are treated equally. The language we use is gender neutral and misogynistic stereotypes and language are never tolerated at home. As with any parent, my concern is based on the fact that my daughters have to wage their battles outside our home.

Perhaps one of the reasons why I want my daughters to get involved in many sporting activities is because of my desire to have them viewed as people who can physically compete with anyone. But sometimes I question myself whether I’m pushing them too much or I’m not pushing enough.

I wouldn’t mind my daughters facing the challenges of our society as much if the playing field is even. If the rules for men and women are the same and fair then I wouldn’t lose sleep over this topic because I’m pretty sure that both of my daughters can pretty much kick some major butt. If both exhibit the same tenacity, drive, charm, and wit as their mother’s, then the other side can pack their things because the game is definitely over.

Maybe someday fathers and mothers don’t have to think about preparing their daughters and sons differently for the outside world. Maybe someday we can tell our sons and daughters that it doesn’t really matter if you are a man or a woman because in our society, everyone is treated equally. 

Someday will probably never come for my wife and me. But I sure hope that Someday will come for my children so that they can raise my grandchildren in an egalitarian society. 

photo by the shape people

On the way home, Smiley Face brought it to my attention that she’s already 11 and soon she will be a teenager.

I said, “Oh no, you’ll no longer be a cute little girl.”

“Yeah, I won’t be ACUTE angle anymore I’ll be a Right angle.” she replied with pride after making her math pun.

“What?” I answered.

“You know, before I was ACUTE because I’m your little CUTE girl, now that at I’m 11, I’m a RIGHT angle because I’m at a RIGHT age where I will still do everything you say. But, when I become a teenager, I will be an OBTUSE angle because I’ll be trying to stretch myself out to be bigger than I am.”

I slowed the car down, looked at her and said, “Huh?”

“Dadieeee.”

“Ok, if you are a right angle, what am I?”

She could barely contain her excitement and said, “You’re a triangle because you have three sides.”

“What do you mean I have 3 sides.”

“Well, you’re funny, serious, and tired. That’s it, three sides.”

“Ok, what about Mama, what shape is she?”

“Oh, Daddy that’s so easy. She’s a circle because she’s perfect.”

“How come Mama gets to be a perfect circle and I’m a triangle?”

She laughed and said, “That’s just the way things are.”

“Hmmmmm…what about your brothers and sister”

“Ok. The Guy In The Middle is an IRREGULAR shape because he is just plain weird. The Prodigal Son is an OBLONG shape because his face and body is OBlong. My sister, The Family Genius, is a POLYGON because there are so many sides to her. Sometimes she’s happy, other times she’s sad, and on and on and on. Now Sylar on the other hand is the new ACUTE angle because he is so cute even though sometimes you want to smack him around.”

“Man, you’ve really thought this thing through, huh?”

She smiled and said, “Of course. Will you post this on your blog?”

I said, “Maybe, if I don’t have anything important to say.”

She tilted her head to the right, looked at me, smiled and looked away. Meanwhile, I kept my eyes on the road and I kept thinking how I became a triangle. Well, at least she didn’t say that I was a square.

photo by dubuque board of ed.

My friend David at Life of (f)Utility: Hacking the Human Race posted an empty picture of his wallet and it made me laugh, David pretty much makes me laugh every time I read his posts. His empty wallet game me a great idea for my post for today.

As a parent of five children there have been multiple times when my children have asked for money and when I take my wallet out and open it, you would hear an echo if you speak into it. While I’ve found humor in our poverty, there were many times when it was downright painful to say no to my children when they ask for something. It was painful because had I had the money to purchase what they were asking for, I would have given it to them instantly. It was even more painful because my children rarely ask for anything. And the mere fact that they are all great kids and that sometimes they deserved to be spoiled, makes not having money even more difficult.

Through out the years, I’ve come up with many ways to say “I don’t have the money to buy that now, maybe next time ok?” It didn’t take long for my children to pick-up on these cues. And soon it was like clock work. A lot of the phrases are still currently in use and some have been retired. I’ve combined both present and retired “I have no money” responses with the hope that some might be able to use them. But more importantly, I want for my children to know that it was out of necessity that I said “No” many times to their requests and not out of meanness.

I will buy it on your birthday.

This worked well when they were younger and it’s working wonderfully with my 3 year old. I used and abused this phrase so many times that I didn’t even have to say it anymore. The children will just say, “Daddy, can you by me this on my birthday?”

That would be a great Christmas present and Christmas is coming up.

This also worked great during the younger years but it still has some mileage for the teenage years. Sometimes I would add, “Maybe we can ask Tita (aunt in Filipino) fill in the most generous Aunt’s name here to buy it for you for Christmas.

It’s a bit expensive in this store. We’ll go to a different store tomorrow, ok?

I usually would get a dejected “ok” every time the children heard this from me. And of course my heart usually breaks into ten thousand little pieces and I’d cursed the day why I chose to be a teacher instead of a lawyer or a doctor like my parents wanted me to be.

Ask Mama if it’s ok.

Obviously this is diversionary tactic design to stall until I figure out how to come with the money to buy the item or to pay for the services. This works well for the older children because they understand that the majority of purchases involve an approval from both me and my wife.

Is it possible to buy it used?

The great thing about my children is that they are very good at compromising, except of course the 3 year old. They would bend over backwards to be accommodating.  The older ones are great at this now because when they want something, they would search every where for the best price before we purchase their request.

Let’s wait until the next pay day.

This is my most valuable phrase. I can’t even count how many times I’ve pull this out my pocket and it has work across age and gender group.

I could easily say no and be done with it. But, I don’t want to say no because I do want to buy the things that my children want. And if you really know my children, you would want to buy these things also because they hardly ask for anything, except for the 3 year old, and they are great kids, again except for the 3 year old. They do well in school and are very nice to their parents, except when you ask them to clean their room or wash the dishes.

Also, when you buy something for one child, you can bet that that toy or object becomes community property. You see my children are very generous at heart, especially with each other. They love to share their toys, gadgets, and things with each other, except of course the 3 year old.

Ideally, I would love to have more money so that I can provide some luxuries for my children. But I don’t live in an ideal world. Perhaps this is trade of from having wonderful children and a meaningful profession. After all, we can’t have our cake and eat it too.

I have reached a milestone. Two of my children have pass through their teenage years and have crossed the realm of adulthood, The Prodigal Son is 20 years old and The Family Genius is almost 19. And through this journey, there are 14 things that I’ve learned in raising my former teenage children.

During this time of puberty, my son TPS and my daughter TFG and I have done a lot of growing-up. Some of the things that happened were exciting and some were painful, but all are equally valuable. There were times when I felt like the father of the year and they were times when I felt like the failure of the year. But no matter how victorious and defeated I felt, I knew that I had to learn from these important lessons. While I could certainly duplicate my triumphs in parenting, I cannot afford to make the same mistakes again because I have three more children that will join me in this journey of the teenage angst.

I suppose I’m very fortunate that I will get a second chance to improve on my successes and right my mistakes. Below is a culmination of 8 years of laughter, tears, pride, anger, sadness, triumphs, failure, sleeplessness, and happiness. 

 1. I should have listened more and talked less.

I tend to talk a lot. If I spent more time listening to both TPS and TFG maybe some of the challenges that we faced together could’ve been easily resolved. With the exception of my 3 year old, all my children usually do not argue when they are being read the riot act. So when I’m ranting and raving or when I’m spouting parental wisdom, my children are either listening or tuning me out; which consequently prevents them from voicing their own perspective and in turn my own point of view is the only thing being heard.

2. Just because they are independent that doesn’t mean that they don’t need you.

Both TPS and TFG are very independent, especially TFG. I have used their independent spirit to slack off from some of my parental responsibilities. Perhaps if I was more involved with TPS’s college application process, he would’ve been more motivated to attend college right after his high school graduation. And if I was more diligent in keeping up with TFG’s concerns about her school, then I could’ve prevented her precipitous academic decline.

3. Stay up to date with teenage pop culture.

Being up to date with teenage culture has more to do with my job as an educator and not because I really want to do it. Since I’m exposed to teenage culture day in and day out, I am able to transfer this knowledge to my parenting skills. I think my children actually think I’m pretty cool for being able to understand their lingo, their music, and their life style. While it is definitely a parenting plus, being versed with teenage culture keeps me young at heart thus making it easier for me to relate to my children.

5. Raising teenage boys is different from raising teenage girls.

I cannot speak for every parent or everyone, but my experience showed me that raising teenage boys is definitely different from raising teenage girls. With The Prodigal Son I learned to be more direct and more forceful when it comes to disciplining him. While TPS didn’t really require a lot of emotional coddling, he did require a lot more guidance with regards to his options and decisions.

On the other hand, The Family Genius did not need a lot of guidance with her day to day decisions but she required more emotional understanding. With TFG, I had to be more selective with my words and actions when it comes to disciplining her.

6. No drivers license until 18.

This is one of the best decisions my wife and I have ever made. Yes, it brought a lot of inconveniences when I had to drive them all over the place, but the benefits definitely out weighed the negatives. The two extra years allowed both TFG and TPS to gain more maturity. In addition, being 18 years old, they knew that if they ever do anything foolish while driving, they were going to be treated as adults.

7. Always check their school progress.

Both TPS and TFG are excellent students. They don’t get in trouble in school and are regarded highly by their teachers. Unfortunately, these positive attributes gave me a sense of false security. I failed to recognize that even if they are top notch students, there will come a time when they get burnout or will see school as a boring chore. When boredom and burnout sat in, it was my responsibility to kick start their engine. But, I failed in this category because I expected them to be like me, someone who doesn’t need extrinsic motivation to do well. I had forgotten that my children are not a duplicate of me but are unique beings with similar qualities as me.

8. Keep them grounded.

During this age of cell phones, iPods, video game consoles, and lap tops, my wife and I have been very successful in keeping both TPS and TFG very grounded. From the early going, all the children knew that name brand clothing and cool gadgets don’t make a person especial. I’m glad that while they still love cool gadgets, they do not worship them.

9. Have high and reachable expectations.

Both TPS and TFG performed well in school because of the high and reachable expectations that my wife and I set for them. While we celebrate successes, we don’t go wild when the children bring home A’s because it’s expected of them to get A’s and if they can’t, they at least have to show that they are making the effort. Aside from performing well academically, they are also expected to conduct themselves accordingly and respectfully in school.

10. Family functions come first.

Teenagers usually yearn for independence and freedom even though they can’t really handle it. This is especially relevant when it concerns family functions conflicting with social functions (party). No matter how boring the family function is and how exciting their friend’s party is, family events come first above all else. This one doesn’t need more elaboration.

11. Give them room to breathe.

Giving TPS and TFG room to breathe and be themselves was the hardest thing to do but it was the best thing to do. As a parent, it’s very hard to let go of the reigns, but in order for my children to grow they had to have some freedom to experience life. TPS and TFG had to learn from their success and failures. I learned, albeit not easily, how to be hands off when it was necessary for me to do so.

12. Don’t take anything personal.

There were times when TPS and TFG did or said things that I took very personal because they hurt my feelings. But I learned that it’s a part of the process of growing up. I too said and did some things that hurt my parent’s feelings, but this doesn’t mean that I love them any less. It’s funny sometimes how I’ve forgotten how I was when I was their age. But the best part is that I’ve always given myself time to reflect on the things that TPS and TFG have said and done. And with this time, I’m able to recognize that when it comes to my children’s negative words and actions towards me they are never meant to be personal.

13. Treat their friends as your own children. 

I treat all of TFG and TPS’s close friends and I mean “close” friends, as my own children. Our house is the “hang out” house and our food is the “community” food. Treating their friends as my own children is a great practice for the future when they decide to marry. I cannot pick their friends for them much like I cannot pick their spouses. So the best thing to do is teach their friends our family values and the only way to do this is when I spend some time with them in our house or on family functions.

14. Be consistent

In raising children, especially teenagers, consistency is the key. Both TFG and TPS would agree that our rules and expectations at home have been consistent. The peaceful and loving home atmosphere has also been consistent. Of course, I’ve also been consistent in nagging and talking too much. And, I have been definitely consistent in never having money when they ask for some so that they can go to the movies.

The best part of my exhaustive list is that I get to do it over again. I’m currently battling with The Guy In The Middle, who is 15, and soon 11 year old Smiley Face will have her turn. And if I still have some energy left, 3 year old Sylar will get his chance to have a battle of wits with the old man. One thing for sure, during the time of guidance, confusion, and doubt, I can at least refer back to this list and remind myself that I have already gone through this and that all I have to do is take a deep breath and listen to my own advice.

photo from t-shirthumor

Last night I missed a very important event in The Family Genius’s life. She was asked to the prom. I wish I could’ ve been there to see it but unfortunately I wasn’t. I was at the college teaching two late night classes. The good thing though is that based on Babe’s account, Prom Date Dude ask my daughter the right way.

So how exactly did PDD ask my daughter to the prom? One thing for sure, it was chivalrous.

PDD came to the house, presented TFG with pink roses, then he proceeded to ask Babe for permission if he can take TFG to the prom. That was it. PDD did it in a very simple and classy way.

However, I still wonder why PDD didn’t wait for me to get home before he asked TFG to the prom. I guess it’s ok. I’ll just have to make sure that I am present when PDD picks TFG up on prom day.

PDD is a good kid, I know that his chivalry will continue during and after the prom. But just in case he forgets himself and becomes a medieval arse, I want him to know that the Department of The Family Genius Security, which is made up of The Prodigal Son, The Guy In The Middle, Babe, The Mexican Cassanova, The Ecuadorian Prince and the entire Mean Street Kids Posse from Rogers Park, know where he lives.

Man, I wish I was as brave as PDD when I was in high school. Asking TFG the way he did took a lot of guts. I wonder if anyone out there can top this simple yet classy way of asking a girl out to the prom? I would be the first one to share mine but mine was pretty lame.

Care to share yours?