Manners
Perhaps one of the most important lessons we give our children is to have proper manners. This is especially difficult because when teaching manners to children, it’s not enough just to say it, we also have to model it, and this is where the challenge lies.
While many situations give us clear guidelines on what are proper and improper manners, some are on a gray area. I have compiled a list of things that my pose some challenge when it comes to determining what is proper and what isn’t. I am pretty much sure what I would do when faced with these situations, my curiosity however lies on other people’s reactions.
If you are faced with the same circumstances listed below, what would you do?”
1. How long would you wait until you honk your horn if the driver in front of you doesn’t realize that the light has turned green?
2. How many times do you have to say thank you to a restaurant server or a flight attendant? Do you thank them every time they bring you something or do you thank them when you are about to leave?
3. When entering a building with a revolving door and you are going in with another person, do you let that person go first so that you can push from behind, or do you go first so that you can push in front of the person?
4. While in a crowded bus and assuming that you would give up your seat for the elderly, handicapped, and pregnant women, would you give up your seat for another person, man or a woman, who is as healthy as you are?
5. When you are in a crowded place and you need to get to point B from point A but there’s somebody in your way and you say excuse me to the person but the person ignored you or didn’t hear you. What’s your next move?
6. Two people are having a conversation and you desperately need to speak to one of them. Do you interrupt their conversation or would you wait until they are finished talking before you speak with one of them?
7. If you have a full cart of groceries and you are in front of person who only has a handful of items, would you let the person go first? And if the situation is reversed and you are the one behind a person with a cart full of groceries, would you ask the person if you can go before him or her?
8. Will you keep holding a door for someone if they are taking too long to get to the door?
9. If you are having a bad day and someone says hi or good morning to you, would you respond in kind?
10. If a person doesn’t respond to your e-mail immediately, how long will you wait until you e-mail the person again to ask if they’ve received your e-mail or not?
11. If you are invited to a dinner at a restaurant, would you offer to pay for your meal?
12. You are in rush to catch the bus, train or your next flight. As you speed walk your way through the many obstacles, you see a person struggling with their bags, luggage, etc. Would you slow down and offer your help and risk missing your ride?
These are just a few things that we face everyday. Sometimes our responses to these situations have minimal effect but when children are around, your reaction to these certain situations becomes more significant. For children, your behavior towards these minor occurrences reflects whether you really mean what you say when you tell them to be courteous and helpful. It is during these insignificant times when real character building happens.
If you really think about it, most of the things above require habitual responses. If you are in a habit of helping or being courteous, then whether your children are present or not, you will be accommodating. For example, I can’t stand people who drive right on the speed limit. I try not to get impatient when my children are in the car, but through force of habit, I display a knee jerk reaction every time I am following a slow driver. To show my frustration, I would usually say, “c’mon what are you doing?” Or I would say, “wat da wat is going on here.” Since I have Smiley Face riding with me everyday, I no longer have to say these things because when a slow driver gets in front of us, Smiley Face would automatically get irritated and say, “c’mon, wat da…?”
Seeing this reaction from Smiley Face makes me cringe because I have taught her the wrong habit. I’m trying to correct my mistake by telling her that it’s ok that the person in front is driving slower because I’m just driving too fast. And of course, as with any habits, it’s difficult to break but I’m are working on it.
There are many things that I still need to work on and I hope that I can correct my poor habits so that I can be the best example for my children. I just hope that enough people will also be helpful and courteous so that my children and other children will have more role models for proper etiquette.
These are great questions. I do find the need to set a good example daunting at times. If it were only as easy as “do as I say, not as I do”… how much easier would parenting be.
I take manners very seriously when teaching them to my kids. I think that there are grey areas, however each scenario is going to be different, and you need to teach your kids as best you can and hope that they will remember…
1. I don’t honk. I always felt that the horn is for emergencies, not communicating haste or ire, so I rarely use it - only when someone is about to force me from the road or into an unsafe situation…so I have actually sat through a light before because I won’t honk.
2. Oh, I don’t know what one SHOULD do in this situation…I only know that I thank them almost every time they bring me something, and then again when I am leaving. Is there an Emily Post for this one??
3. I let them go first and I push from behind… As above, though, I was never taught any sort of manners regarding a revolving door, so I suppose I figure that a door is a door and let general door etiquette be my guide.
4. I have, and I have not. If they are traveling with a child, yes. If they have many packages or look tired or worn, yes. If they are fresh, energetic, and I’m feeling particularly ill used by the day, no. Situational rudeness, I suppose.
5. I look for an alternate route. If there’s no other way around, I will say “excuse me” again. If still ignored, I will gently touch their elbow or shoulder to gain their attention and say “Excuse me, I’m so sorry to bother you but I need to get past…” As a very last resort, I might try to squeeze past them, but I am large and I hate doing that.
6. How desperately? As in “I am going to perish if we don’t speak NOW!!”? Or “Your child is being flown to the hospital and you might like to know”? Unless it’s that sort of urgency, I wait. Or if the person I wish to speak to is waiting for time sensitive information, I might make a hand motion to indicate that…tap my wrist where they could see or whatnot. Mostly, though, I wait. I rarely have business conversations, so I expect those ethics would be different. I also have more time than most folks, so unless it’s a long, involved chat they’re having, I’m not pressed.
7. If I have the cartload, I let the person with only a few things go ahead…habitually. I swear, they know this, because they always seem to line up behind me…but I just can’t make them wait while I’m rung up. If I’m the one with one or two things, I just wait my turn…unless they offer, in which case I may or may not accept, depending on whether I’m in a hurry or not.
8. This is a tough one - I’ve always been a door holder, but it used to irk my family because I would wait for an “unreasonable” amount of time to let someone pass. Also, I am female, and I was told that we don’t hold doors, gentlemen do. Umm…OK, that’s nice and all, but what if there aren’t any gentlemen about?? I don’t think courtesy needs gender boundaries. So, how long is too long? I know that someone dogging my heals rates a held door…but someone a foot away? Two feet? Ten feet? If they are elderly, on crutches, juggling keys, children, parcels, I hold it regardless…but if they are chattering on a cell phone, obviously dawdling, or hesitating, I might let the door go.
9. I try to. I read your post about people not smiling in the car, and it made me more aware of my own demeanor, both in the car and out. Oddly enough, I am usually singing or smiling in the car, and I try to carry that with me into daily interactions with others. I have (among other items from the mental illness buffet) severe depression, and sometimes plastering that smile on my face is the only thing I have between me and the horrors. If someone is kind enough to greet me or ask how I am, even if it’s the person at the Evil Empire door, I respond in kind…they are my fellow humans and deserve at least that much acknowledgment of their existence and purpose.
10. Again, this depends on how time sensitive the need for response is. If it’s about something that I need to know right away, I might only wait a few minutes or hours - and I would have put a note about the urgency in the e-mail. Generally, though, my life is free of such urgency - and if it’s really important, I use the phone. I might wait days or even weeks to enquire about whether they’ve received it, if I ever ask.
11. If I was asked by friends to join a party, I would pay for my own meal. If I am asked in a dating scenario, I would be prepared to pay for my own meal but happy to have it purchased for me. I was taught that if one does the inviting, one pays for the meal, but in today’s more casual world that just doesn’t hold true. It’s much more common, now, to hear “Hey, a bunch of us are getting together at…”, and this is clearly a situation where one pays for one’s own meal. Unless someone clearly says “Can I take you out…?”, I presume that I’m sharing the tab.
12. Yes. (<— hey, look, a short answer!!)
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
@Everyone–Like all of you, I also try very hard to be polite and helpful but sometimes it’s difficult to do especially when you are in hurry.
haha. actually at state, Vicky got lost and I ran to help her and on the way, because of the wind, this girl’s paper flew everywhere and I just ran past her.
I debated yelling out an apology but then I realized that was stupid.
Kinda movie-esque… it was pretty sweet but I did feel a little bit guilty.
“Wat da wat?”
You are amazing Chris - you self evaluate all your actions, how it will impact the people around you and more specifically, your children.
I follow my heart in all the situations you listed above. I try to do the right thing at the right time, but I am not perfect and therefore I will mess up from time to time, as will you and your children.
Why can’t you stand driving behind someone that is going the speed limit? That is why the speed limit is posted… isn’t it?
@Bruno–Thanks man! With regards to my driving, I guess I have a very heavy foot; one of my many vices.
Chris -
This is a great list but it would be more constructive if you divide these manners into age groups. For example, 1) Manners for age 3-4 2) Manners for age 4-6 3) Manners for age 6-12 and so on. Reason for that is that at each age, children should learn new manners and reflect and build on the manners learned in earlier age. It takes them from the early basics to higher level of manners as they grow. Do you agree?
Thanks
Shilpan
@Shilpan–You bring up a very good point. This will make a great topic for a post. I’ll try to write one and at the same time I encourage any one to do the same just let me know when your post is up.
Chris -
I have a list in mind. I can email you and then you, with your finesse with this subject, can make a nice article around the points. How about that?
Shilpan
@Shilpan–Sure thing!
Hi Chris,
Manners…how I love to see a young person who practices good manners. Children do learn what they live. Sometimes as parents we become blind to how our children (and grandchildren) emulate us. All the more reason to practice what we preach.
Great post on a not so popular subject. Thanks for taking it on.
Chris,
In the UK it is illegal to sound your car horn whilst your vehicle is stationary - so if you’re stuck behind a car at a green light and you give it a good honk, you’d best be sure that it’s not an unmarked police car in front of you.
I usually wait a week before I’ll email someone again, depending on how urgently a reply is needed/wanted. Most people appreciated being reminded - it is very easy to forget email.
Thank you Chris for the reminder to be polite!
David
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