Car Talk
photo by duncans
I have a two and a half hour commute to and from work. During this seemingly unproductive time, I occupy myself with telling jokes with Smiley Face, listening to NPR, and watching people. Yes, I people watch on my rear view and side view mirrors.
It’s amazing what people do when they are in their cars. Some use the phone, sing, pick their nose, put make-up on, eat, drink, kiss, read, talk, and argue. These things are all very common and most of the time I just give a quick glance and look away. However, there’s one thing that always catches my attention. And no, it’s not the make-out session scene.
I get fixated at a particular car when I see people or couples argue. It’s actually quite comical. At one point you can see the man making wild gestures with one hand while the other hand is glued on the steering wheel. On the passenger side, you can see the woman equally emphatic with her facial expressions. As I voyeuristically watch couples argue, I am reminded of the old silent movies when actors speak but all you hear is the background music. This routine gets played out until one just gives up and looks outside the window and ignores the partner on the other seat.
However, the amusing routine becomes tragic when I spy children in the backseat. This is when I stop watching the couples and I try to concentrate on the children’s expressions. While the parents continue to rip each other apart, the children sit motionless in the backseat. They are trapped. They cannot go to their rooms, shut their doors and cover their ears with their pillows to avoid hearing their parents arguments. They cannot run outside in the backyard or run around the block. They just sit there motionless as they stare out the window wishing that they were in somebody else’s car.
As the Family Genius said one Saturday morning when this topic was discussed, “Why do people argue when they are in the car?” This concept is very foreign to my children because my wife and I do not argue in front of the children. And when we do have disagreements, we try not escalating it when they are around.
It is true that sometimes arguments between couples cannot be avoided but to have it in the car with the children in the backseat is equal to an emotional hostage. Is the argument more important than the children’s emotional stability that it needs to be held in the car?
Confinement is probably the main reason why couples argue inside an automobile. When the argument gets really heated, no one can really walk out. Both parties are forced to sit and listen to the other’s point. This may work but while both parties continue to belittle each other, they are also stripping away the respect that their children have for them.
Unfortunately, while we can legislate people’s eating, smoking, drinking, and driving habits, we cannot legislate people’s bad parenting habits. That would be something though if someone could get pulled over for arguing in the car while children are in the backseat. But this is just wishful thinking on my part. Like our homes, a person’s car is a person’s castle.
I’m saying it’s a valid excuse…but (yes, yes, I know that “but” is usually used to negate everything that came before…however, in this instance I mean it as a modifier) I wonder if sometimes people try to talk, try to communicate, and have to face their partner’s back as the partner walks away. As you pointed out, in the car they can’t escape…they have to at least hear the words even if they don’t respond or absorb.
Or perhaps something has been bottled up for so long, it won’t keep for another moment. Unhealthy communicating, truly.
Still, I agree that it is detrimental for children to be stuck in that toxic atmosphere - the very least that alleged grown-ups can do is take into consideration the propensity of children to absorb blame for confrontation or family strife.
I’m OK with my son seeing his father and I disagree, discuss, and compromise or resolve (or leave unresolved, sometimes) our issues, as long as we aren’t insulting or otherwise hurting each other. Kids need to see that it’s OK to feel strongly about something, to argue about it, and yet still keep their heads and understand another’s viewpoint - and they also need to see that adults lose their tempers and have to rein them in, too. In my opinion, any way.
I grew up in a household where people hid their feelings and were silent in their anger, and that was just as damaging. It sure would have been nice to see how people resolved their issues rather than learning to bottle them up until they damn near killed me. Sigh.
Whatever happened to the happy medium??
Shade and Sweetwater,
K, who mostly sings in the car
I agree to some extent… but not completely. My husband and I do fight in front of the kids once in a while, and I’m pretty sure we fight in the car too, although I don’t have a recent memory of such a fight. Fighting, then making up, is human. We all do that. I like to use those fights to teach my kids that even people who deeply love each other sometimes disagree, sometimes even loudly disagree, but it is okay: eventually you make up and solve whatever problem it was that had led to the fight in the first place.
@Kyddryn and Vered–I agree with you both that couples do disagree, but I am making a distinction here between disagreeing and fighting. When couples disagree they still maintain a sense of decorum where they still listen to each other’s opinions without getting too personal. When couples fight the blame game starts and respect goes out the window.
Chris -
I agree with you about not arguing in front of your kids. It can manifest a very bad lesson that teaches wrong set of values to them. It all boils down to our ego and not controlling our emotions in front of our kids especially when they are hapless to escape.
Shilpan
I don’t have any kids yet, but my wife and I don’t like to argue. It doesn’t matter if we are alone or with other people. Maybe it’s because we both hate yelling, but we usually are very forgiving when one person makes a mistake.
If we don’t like how the other is behaving we let them know as gently as each other can. It works for us. We don’t let our anger get in the way and we resolve our problems as best the situation will allow.
There are still hurt feelings and dirty looks every now and again, but never yelling and screaming. I think that it only makes the situation worse. Eventually our love wins out and I end up apologizing to each other. We’ve only been married for two years, so I’m not an expert. Hopefully it won’t change too much in the future.
Great post! It really made me think about my own situation.
I tend not to argue, rather, discuss emotions and how we feel about the situation seeking emotional validation rather than being right or wrong. Fighting with another persons reality is a lose lose situation.
Great Post Chris!
2 & 1/2 hour drive?? Holy crap! I thought my one hour was bad! Is it in traffic or purely driving? Mine is all miles. I actually love it. If I can continue to move than I like my drive… however when I was living in Atlanta it took me an hour to drive 10 miles. I HATED IT!
It is quite humorous sometimes the things people think that they can do in a car and not think people can see them.
We are very conscience about not raising our voices in front of the kids (to each other) whether it is in the car or at home. On the flip side we try to make sure to show affection around them too.
Honey and I don’t argue we disscuss… Well, usually I just clam up and he makes me talk… Which is a good thing cause I have HUGE avoidence issues! We do not argue in front of the chidlren. I remember how it use to make me feel when my parents did it and I do not want my children to feel that same resentment. Great post as always!!
@kbreints–This is with traffic, without traffic it’s about 1 1/2 hour.
@Karl Staib– You hit the nail on the head. The love always wins out. We need to remember this always.
Ouch! This post hits close to home. I’m ashamed to admit that there have definitely been times when my husband have fought in the car with my son held emotionally hostage in his carseat in the back. What’s worse is that my parents used to fight all the time in the car and I remember how awful it felt to be subjected to their fights.
This has got to stop with my husband and I and I am going to make a conscious effort to difuse any fights/arguments in the car (and outside of the car) in front of our children! They don’t deserve to be in such a painful situation.
Thanks for the reminder!
@Overwhelmed With Joy!—I know it’s very tough to mind yourself all the time. I have certain bad habits that I can’t shake off and they’ve manifested in my children’s habits as well.
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