photo from epilepsyfoundation.org 

There’s the problem! We parents try to talk too much to our teenagers. Teenagers don’t need to be talked to; they need to be listened to.

Do you remember your teenage years when everyone was trying to talk to you? Your teachers talked to you, your friends talked to you, the school counselor talked to you, and of course the police talked to you. And when you got home, your parents talked to you. Man, by the time you went to bed, you were already tone deaf because everyone talked your ear off.

It’s simply amazing that even if we experienced the same exact thing that our teenagers are going through right now, we still fail to understand, to sympathize, or to empathize with what they, our teenagers, are experiencing.

What’s worse is that if we comb the internet and bookstores for advice on how to talk to teenagers, we will get the same exact crap that everyone is peddling. Every single teenage parenting experts and parenting advice blogs try to teach us on how to talk to our teenagers.

The how to talk to your teenager line of thinking will never work with teenagers because by talking to them, you are actually imposing your own will and value system on them. The idea of imposing something on a teenager is doomed to begin with because by nature, either passively or aggressively, teenagers will try to resist control. And when there’s resistance, there will be no progress. Yes, they will nod their head and yes they will do what you ask them to do, but only for a short period of time, because all they really want is for you to stop talking. This means that they haven’t really internalized everything that you have said.

So what is the best way to have teenagers heed our advice? The first thing we need to do is to listen to what they have to say directly and indirectly.

Here’s the real deal. Everyone who knows me, especially my children, knows that I love to talk. And when problem surfaces with any of my children, I sometimes talk their ear off. Every time I resort to this type of parenting, the same issue or problem somehow makes its way back.

I will provide a couple of examples that happened with my own teenagers. I will keep the situation very general in order to respect and protect my children’s privacy. But I will provide enough information in order to make a distinction between talking and listening.

The first example has to do with the prodigal son. He wanted to graduate from High School early because he had enough credits to do so. Instead of listening carefully to his reasons, I jumped the gun and started talking to him about the advantages of staying longer, like being able to take more classes that he will need in college, or experience the joys of being a senior in high school. With out a fuss, the prodigal son followed my advice.

However, this is not the end of the story, in his senior year, problems and obstacles started popping up. Mind you, this is a young man without any previous school infractions. Had I listened to him, most of the crazy things that occurred could’ve been prevented. He was trying to tell me in his indirect way that he was ready to move on. But, I didn’t listen; instead I talked and talked and talked.

Another teenage issue surfaced with the family genius. She spoke a lot about what went on with her classes and at school. She expressed some concerns. As a school administrator and a teacher, I started talking and explaining why schools and teachers sometimes find it necessary to enact certain rules and guidelines. I advised her on what she needed to do in order to conquer the obstacles that were in front of her.

Anyone who was listening to our conversation would have totally agreed that I gave a balance and practical advice. The family genius nodded and said ok. I thought I made some in roads, but unfortunately I created more obstacles on her path because I allowed myself and my home to be a part of the very same thing she was questioning.

The family genius’ school issues worsen and I continued to talk and talk and sometimes scream and scream. Then I stopped talking, but I also didn’t listen. I resigned with the notion that everything will eventually work itself out when she figured out what she needed to do. But this didn’t happen.

The turning point came when a conference was held at the school. I was present and the school administrators were also there. I didn’t talk much during the meeting because I knew the school administration will usually do most of the talking. The family genius did talk a lot because she had to respond to some of the school administration’s questions.

As I listened to my daughter, I realized that I have already heard her answers before, albeit they were expressed in a different manner. When we had our initial talks before things got worse, she already expressed the same sentiments, but I didn’t catch them. I didn’t catch them because I wasn’t listening to her. All of the things that happened could’ve been prevented had I listened to her and requested a meeting with the school administration. But that’s the problem, it was easier for me to give her an advice rather than listen to her carefully and act on the cues that she was giving me.

My children suffered unnecessarily because I failed to listen to them. I took the easy route, I talked and not listened.

We as parents, most of the time would say to our teenagers, “Why don’t you listen?” The simple fact is that children will always mirror adult behavior. So if we want our children to listen to us, we must model the behavior of listening.

In the beginning, it will be tough just to listen because our natural inclination is to jump in and interrupt and spout out some parental advice and no how. But we have to realize that our ultimate goal is for our teenagers to be well adjusted adults and we can only do this is if we listen to them.

Since our teenagers are going through so much stuff, like peer pressure, biological changes, and social anxiety, all they really want is for us to listen to them so they can vent. And if they need our advice, they will ask for it naturally. But if we don’t learn how to listen to them, then they will turn to other people who will.

Would we want to be the ones who listen to our children or would we rather have someone from the streets or on the internet to listen to them?

The choice is ours!

photo from clangnuts.com

It’s Earth Day! So I figured I would share with you an important study regarding Global Warming.

A researcher, me, has discovered after years of extensive study that the main reason for Global Warming is children. The reasearcher, me, followed children who came from different age group. These children are now 20, 18, 15, 11, and 3 years old respectively.

I have compiled massive amounts of data, but for the sake of brevity, I will summarize my findings, share my analysis and present my conclusion. The following is a brief account of my laborious effort in meticulously documenting the adverse effects of children on the environment.

Water: Water is perhaps one of the most important life-sustaining natural resource we have. We are also painfully aware that we don’t have an endless supply of fresh water. My research shows that the reason why we our losing our water supply at an alarming rate is because of children. Children use water like there’s no tomorrow. Here are some examples of this misuse and abuse attitude:

1. They take 30-45 minute showers, especially the girls, and their excuse is, “But Daddy, I have long hair.”

2. The boys are no better. They like to have the water running while they do a number 2 because, “…Daddy, the sound of water running calms me.”

3. The 3 year old is no exception. He keeps turning on the water, plugging the bathroom sink and watching the water flood the bathroom floor. Or better yet, he keeps flushing the toilet because he says, “…look Daddy, the spinning water, it’s cool, right?”

Electricity: Where do I possibly start on this one. I discovered that the children’s wasteful attitude towards electricity is not only detrimental to the evironment, but it also has a devastating effect on my glorious locks. But, this is another issue that will be tackled later. For now, I will focus on the children’s abusive use of electricity.

1. One is scared of the dark and has a habit of waking up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water. Naturally, the kitchen light needs to stay on to minimize the fear of darkness.

2. The 3 year old will turn on all the TV in the house, thank God we only have two, and leave it on because he likes to listen to his favorite shows while he plays with his toys.

3. The 20 year old will turn on his bedroom lights, leave it on forever, goes to the dining room, turns on the lights and leave it on forever, he goes to sleep, wakes up and goes to work without turning off the lights.

4. When they are all in the house, which is most of the time, the TV, computer, laptops, radio, lights, video game consoles and the air-condition are all blasting in full force.

Gas: As we speak, gas is almost $4.00/gallon. But this is not really important to these eco-assassins. Here’s what they do.

1. “Daddy, can I borrow your car, my car doesn’t have gas anymore.”

2. “Daddy, can I use the car, I’m going to the movies?”

3. “Daddy let’s got to the mall.” (replace mall with the following: park, McDonalds, grandmas house, etc…)

4. “Daddy, I missed the bus can you drive me to school?” or “Daddy, can you pick me up from school, I had to stay late.”

Plastic: It’s amazing how much plastic these eco-terrorists use during the course of their childhood. All you have to do is walk into my garage and you will see a landfill of plastic. On Christmas, birthdays, baptisms, graduations, bribery, these are the occasions when children use up the most plastic. Plastics are unfortuantely use for: toys, cellphones, mp3 and discman players, video game consoles and games, etc..

My account here, as a researcher, clearly exhibits children’s adverse effects on our environment. But, I only have myself to blame. It’s my dependence on the dimpled smiles, the infectious laughters, the hugs and kisses, the expressions on their faces when you arrive from work, the engaging conversations, the unending stories about their dreams last night, their crazy accounts of their days at school or at work, and the “Hi, Daddy” greetings. If I cannot end my addiction to these things, I will not be able to help the environment.

I tried many strategies to combat this malady in my home, but I was a miserable failure. However, there’s hope. They will soon grow-up, move out of the house and have their own children. When this happens, I can do my part for the environment.

But wait, when they have children, that means I am a grandfather, which means more toys and more car trips.

This is what I mean! The vicious cycle never ends. Children Are The Cause Of Global Warming!

 picture from blaugh.com

I visited Kelly today at She-Power and discovered that it was her son’s 4th birthday. Like always, Kelly had a very nice quote to go along with her post.

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.”- Angela Schwindt, Teacher and Author

I wished her son a happy birthday and I left her with my own personal quote. My quote is, “Children are God’s way of saying gotcha.”

Since Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden, God hasn’t stop playing a joke on humanity. And of course, his best practical joke is our children. If you are a parent then you know what I am talking about. But if you aren’t, here are 10 reasons why children are God’s way of saying gotcha.

1. Your own children will make you say things that you swear you will never say because your parents use to say them to you.

2. Did you ever think in your whole life that you will end up touching another person’s poop?

3. “Because I said so.” Do I need to elaborate on this one?

4. They take all of your money, but you don’t report them to the police and you will let them do it again and again.

5. They do something bad, like shave the neighbor’s cat, you get upset, you ground them until they’re 40, but you feel guilty and blame yourself for their actions.

6. They can hurt your feelings and disappoint you, but you always forgive them as fast as they can hurt your feelings and disappoint you again.

7. They crash your car that took you forever to pay off, but all you care about is if they are hurt or not. You don’t even think about the fact that your insurance premium is going to go up and that you’ll probably have to pay something extra after your deductibles.

8. “I have to go the bathroom.” They always seem to say this when you just pull-out of the drive way, during the best part of the movie, while the plane has just taken off, and when you are using the bathroom.

9. They know when, where, and how to make scene; at a store, at a restaurant, during mass, and at a funeral.

10. When you finally have alone time with your gorgeous wife and you are about to get your groove on, this is when they employ their perfect timing and ruin the mood.

I’m sure, my dear readers, that you have more to add to this list since we all have our own personal relationship with God and as a result, our experiences may differ from each other. Please post your list on the comment section so that my children, who are the biggest fans of this site, will see that their Daddy is not the only one who is a victim of God’s sense of humor. 

CJ, who is 3 years old, will be the last one in the family who will attend school. He is also the only one that I contemplated home schooling.

Does this mean that I have lost faith in our educational system? Not, really…I considered it because of the many advantages of home schooling and because I can. I could just imagine me in CJ learning together, discovering new things at his own pace. I could teach him my faith and religion during our lessons without worrying about the separation of church and state. And most importantly, I don’t have to worry about whether he is being bullied or doing the bullying.

While I’m excited about the possibility of having complete control over my son’s education, I still wonder how my action will affect the broader society. I am fortunate that I have the option of home schooling my child, but what about the families who don’t have the same option as I do? I guess their only route is public education.

I wonder what will happen to our educational system if the majority of the families like mine who can afford to home school their children actually do home schooling. This could have an adverse effects on our society. Imagine, families with economic and political resources leaving the realm of public school system. This means that more people who are passionate about education are giving up and throwing in the towel.

But haven’t we seen this before? Aren’t we painfully aware of what happens to neighborhoods when people with political and economic clout leave for a “better” place to live? The result is neighborhoods with failing schools and failing businesses. 

But of course, this is America. We have the right to choose where we want to live. We also have the right to choose the type of education our children will receive and naturally these rights should never be taken away. But, the question is not whether we do or we don’t have these rights. The real question is what is the right thing to do.

The right thing to do is to not give up on our public school system. We have to support it financially and politically.

We can support our school system by having our children stay in the public schools thus compelling us to get involved and care more about what’s being done to improve them. And if we choose to exercise our right to home school, we still have the moral obligation to fight for the improvement our public schools. After all, we may never know when our children or grandchildren will need to go back into our educational system.

Home schooling my resolve our own personal issues with public schooling, but it will not resolve our society’s problems with failing schools. In fact, more home schooling will hasten the demise of public education.

Think about it this way. If your house is burning, will you abandon it or will you put out the fire? Some may argue that it’s not their house that’s burning. That maybe true, but you still live in the same neighborhood and if you allow your neighbor’s house to burn, the fire might spread and engulf your own house. And when this happens, who will be around to help you put out the fire? It certainly won’t be your neighbors because they’re doing the same thing you are doing, either just worrying about their own house or they are on their way out of your neighborhood.

The choice is ours, will we help and fight or will we run and hide?

 photo from muslimapple

It was approximately two years ago today when I thought my world was going to drop.

My eldest, BJ, said that he wanted to join the Marine. BJ is an action type kind of guy. He likes to take physical risks and is really not afraid of anything. Well, almost everything, even though he doesn’t want to admit it, he is afraid of his mother. The prospect of going to war did not scare him. In fact, it excited him.

Immediately, his mother said, “NO, not gonna happen.” Somehow I knew that this will not be enough to deter him from enlisting. I wanted to give him my opinion right away, but I waited and let the shocking news marinate in my consciousness.

The first thing that came to mind was that he will be sent to Iraq and get hurt or worse, get killed. But, at the same time, I felt a sense of pride that my son will be a serviceman. I recalled my senior year when I was one step away from going to the Air Force Academy. But during that time, US just invaded Panama so my mom said, “NO, not gonna happen.”

I knew that if I immediately discourage BJ from going, we might go against his stubborn will. After all, this is what he wanted and not what I wanted. I had to come up with a good enough reason why he shouldn’t join. At first I thought about giving him my political views about the war. However, I realized that this wasn’t going to work since he already knew that I opposed the war and still he wanted to enlist.

Ten thousand thoughts came flooding into my brain. You try very hard to protect them and then when they grow up, they want to venture out into the world and join the fight; a fight that is at best founded on propaganda and fear. You do your best to teach them what is right and wrong and then they want to be a part of something that is morally ambiguous. You do your best to make sure that they understand the sanctity of life, and then they want to expose themselves to senseless deaths.

How can I allow this? How can I stop it? The fact is I couldn’t but I had to try. I couldn’t talk to him about politics because it wouldn’t work. I couldn’t say that every life is valuable because he will just say, “Dad, it’s war, what do you expect?”

I thought I would never come up with a good enough argument to stop him from putting his life in harms way. But out from no where, a divine intervention engulfed my consciousness and an argument or a reason materialized in my thoughts.

I knew BJ was not the type to take orders from anyone. I also knew that he likes being in-charge and he likes people to listen to his ideas and implement them.

During one of our many discussions about joining the Marine and the life in the Military, I said to him, “You know it’s actually not a bad idea that you will sign-up. I just wish that you would do it after you graduate from college.”

I received a quizzical look from him. I elaborated.

“Once you finish college, you can join and once you finish your basic training, you will become an officer because you have a college degree. If you enlist now with just a High School Diploma, then you will be a private and you will have to follow everyone’s orders, plus your path to being an officer will be more arduous.”

I got no response from him so I continued. “Why don’t you think about it? The Marine will still be there when you finish college.” I also told him about my friend in college who after graduating, joined the Navy and became an officer after basic training.

I honestly don’t know if my argument was the deciding factor. But I am glad that he decided to not enlist. His mother was also elated.

I just hope that this war will end soon. I have another son, Benito, who will graduate from High School in two years. I just don’t want to go through this thing again. Actually, I would be really proud to have any of my children join the military. The problem is, we are never guaranteed with having a President who will make sure that we fight a good honorable fight.

I guess when it comes down to it, my children’s lives are not really on the President’s hands. They are on ours, the American voters. I hope we get it right this time.