Depression or Angst
As a parent of 5 very intelligent and fun loving children, I am used to certain behaviors. One of these behaviors is their capacity to excel in school. All of the children excelled in academics, especially the Family Genius. She didn’t just excel in school; she super excelled to the infinity power.
For the Family Genius, school is like clock work; straight A, State finalist in academics, Varsity Player for Tennis, and an ACT scores deserving of an Ivy League acceptance letter. However, this all changed abruptly.
Last year, out from nowhere she became a new person. She hated going to school, failed a couple of her AP courses, and became indifferent with her academics.
My initial reaction was anger. I got angry with her for not doing what she was supposed to do. After the anger, I started levying consequences. I dismissed her recent behavior as teenage rebellion or teenage angst. I knew the Family Genius didn’t want to disappoint us so I figured that the multiple talks, guilt trips and consequences will work. Sadly, I was mistaken. Her behavior remained the same.
At this point, I was past my angry stage and well into my frustration stage. I was frustrated and resigned to the fact that there was nothing I can do but accept what is going on and hope that she’ll snap out of her funk. But, the Family Genius didn’t snap out of it.
We realized that this was more than teenage angst. She could be clinically depressed. As a next step, she started seeing a therapist. There was some improvement but it wasn’t significant. The strangest thing about all of this is that while she became apathetical with her academics, she remained involved with her extra curricular activities. In addition, she was still engaged with the daily family routine. We even played a lot of tennis together. She even got very excited because I was able to fix her crappy serve. She also went on a long summer vacation to the Philippines.
When she came back, she told me, “Daddy, I’m back,” meaning she’s back in her groove again. When I heard her utter these 3 words, my heart jumped and I started doing back flips and hand stands. Needless to say, I was happy. Our Family Genius is back! She was on her way again to right what is wrong and to prepare herself as the savior of the oppressed and the downtrodden.
But, her new found energy was short lived. It lasted only for the first semester. Perhaps all along, she knew what was going on but unfortunately, I didn’t. I didn’t know what to do anymore. So I left her alone with the hope that she will somehow work herself out of the hole that she was in. My wife and I suggested for her to see a therapist again but she declined. Her age, 18, and her maturity determined why her mother and I had to respect her decision of not seeing a therapist.
She assured us that she will be ok and that everything will be fine. Come to think of it, this was the first time that she said that she’ll be ok and that she didn’t need therapy. So we let go and now we wait.
As I write this post, she is right, so far she’s fine. She recently came back from the State Science Olympiad and she placed 3rd out of hundreds of students statewide and she hasn’t missed a single school day. But, we still watch and wait.
Until now, my wife and I are still trying to figure out what really happened with her. Was it just certain circumstances at school, was it teenage angst, or was it depression that caused her to drastically change her behavior. Nevertheless, we went through it and learned many valuable lessons.
Perhaps this was just a phase or perhaps it will be on ongoing issue that could only be treated with professional help or medication. But regardless of what it was, when the time comes again that I have to deal with the same situation with my other children, I will be more prepared.
What is ironic about this whole episode is that I should have known better on how to deal with my own daughter’s issues because I am paid to know such things. All throughout my career, I have worked with families and students that went through the same exact thing we went through. Perhaps, I was too emotionally invested that my feelings clouded my own professional judgment. I guess I was like a surgeon who cannot operate on the patient because the patient is my child.
This episode in our life was a huge struggle and I thank the Family Genius for allowing me to share this with you. I don’t know if the Family Genius learned any valuable lessons from what she has gone through the past 2 years. But, I know for certain that I learned many things about her and about myself.
One of the most important lessons that I’ve learned is that as a father my expectations, my feelings and my emotions become secondary when dealing with my child’s own ambivalence and confusion. And as a result, because I am a father, my children’s peace becomes mine.
Oh, Chris, this post brought tears to my eyes.
You are doing the best that you can. It is just so scary to think that one day, something could go very wrong with one of my kids and that I won’t be able to solve it. In a way, it is so much easier when they are little.
My heart goes out to you.
@Vered–I had difficulty finishing this one, but it needed to be written. I am thankful the Family Genius gave me permission to write it.
Sometimes the most obvious things elude even we trained professionals. You’d think that being a nurse, I would have known that there were obvious issues with Ben as a young child, but no, I saw nothing.
Don’t ever, ever beat yourself up for this stuff. It doesn’t help and just makes you feel worse.
*hugs*
Your daughter sounds as neat as you are.
ah thats a really touching story. nice of your daughter to let you share it
Thanks for popping by my place.
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Chris… I have tagged you for a meme.
Hope you don’t mind and will agree to play along.
http://momgrind.com/2008/04/30/three-random-things/
Chris -
Despite all sadness, let’s count positives. First, she is genius. She has shown repeatedly that her mind is as sharp(inner strength) regardless of how her grades are turning out (outer weakness). Secondly, She still loves you and your wife (THIS is BIG !). Third, She is aware of what the change has transpired in terms of anger on your part.
My feeling is that somewhere in her subconscious mind, she has lessened the priority to focus on the academics. She will spring back anytime. This is akin to great athletes who go through the rough patch in their career but always bounce back because they are great athletes.
Let it go my friend. She will come back with more zeal than ever before. You surely have a winner in your life.
Thanks
Shilpan
I am not a professional nor a parent but I was a teenager too not so long ago.I guess it is just a phase …I think in my case I was more depressed with all the things and changes I am going through in life. Maybe the Family genius was burnt out?
But if she says she’s okay now then I think it is a great thing that you guys gave her space.
Wow youguys going in July to Phil…try to see Palawan if you have the time. It’s truly beautiful. I’ll post some pictures at my travel page soon…when I find the time;)
Cheers!
omigosh - that must’ve been so difficult. I say “must’ve been” as if it’s in the past, but it seems like the door is not yet fully closed on that one yet.
I wonder if your daughter had something happen - in her life - that she’s not comfortable talking about? Something that troubled her, enough to act “outside of her natural self.”
I could be totally off track, but if not, it also sounds like she’s starting to get a handle on things. That something may have happened, but she’s not going to let it take over her, and she’s going to push thru and rise above.
Regardless - she sounds like a wonderfully intelligent and strong young woman. Hugs to you and the Family Genius…
Your daughter is confused. Everything she has done or is doing is to please her father, mother and society, not what she truly wants. Children should be given the option to explore their true talents, not the talents of their parents or society. Teenagers become conflicted about what they truly want because the feel the pressure and the disappointment that will come if they do not make their parents and society happy with what they want. They become conflicted because what they want and what dad want, are not the same. It is at this point teens retreat and become rebellion because they are confused, conflicted and feel no one is listening to what they want in life. After all, it is their life.
Why a psychologist? Why do all parents resort to a psychologist when their children are not happy? Have you tried to sit down with your daughter and ask key questions?
How are you feeling?
Do you feel like you have disappointed me?
Have I hurt you because you feel you are living my life and not your own?
Go ahead, ask the questions, you will be surprised at the answers.
Do yourself and your family a favor, stay away from psychologists unless there is a true life altering situation. Teenagers should not be on medication because they feel conflicted. Parents should let go of what their dreams are for their children. Then you will quickly see a HUGE change in your daughter.
One last thing - NOTHING IS WRONG -please do not use the word “wrong” with teens.
You ask them what is “Wrong” their instant response will be, “NOTHING”
How are you feeling? How was your day? Ask probing question and you will find the answers. Ask questions like what is wrong, and the brain will instantly tell the body, what you are feeling, emotions, etc. is wrong. Another word is “should” consider replacing with “consider.” Give them options and choices. Not “you should do this” because you will get that. That is your belief, not your children.
Touchy subject for me this morning…
When I was in first grade, it was my first time to go up the stage to get a medal. I was surely excited to receive such a recognition from the school. But my mind was boggled when suddenly after receiving such recognition up in the stage with my father, he pinched the back of my shoulder. It turned out that he was not happy because I didn’t get the first place in our class. I was only second place. From that time on, I would hear him say, “First is first. Second is nothing.” I guess that was just his way to challenge me. Yes, I did become first in class in my succeeding years but whenever I got 2nd place, he would go to the school and bash my teachers and I would feel really bad.
My late father didn’t realize that the pinching and the repeatedly uttering of “First is first. Second is nothing” was traumatic to me. My self-worth has been tied with the achievements that I make in school.
There was even a time in my first year high school, when after showing a report card of all 90s, he got angry at me and told me, “Ito lang? Bakit hindi 97?” (Only this?Why not 97?). [97 being the highest grade there is.] After hearing those words, I was hurt and I cried all night. My father didn’t appreciate what I did. He told me afterwards that he was just kidding. Well, it is a very very bad joke.
My case may be different from what you are experiencing right now.
As what you said in your previous post, you had no problems motivating her and even told her to slow down. But my question is, does your daughter having gotten B’s instead of A’s or failing grades define her worth to you? Yes, it is understandable for parents to get angry at their children because of their failing grades but the grades should never ever be the gauge for you to love her.
She has been telling this message to you all along but you are not listening.
The strangest thing about all of this is that while she became apathetical with her academics, she remained involved with her extra curricular activities. In addition, she was still engaged with the daily family routine. We even played a lot of tennis together. She even got very excited because I was able to fix her crappy serve.
Be gentle to your daughter. She may no longer be your straight A’s daughter but she is still your daughter. Love her in her times of strength and love her more in these trying times.
I guess, whatever that is that your Family Genius is going through, the thing that she needs the most is the assurance that you will love her no matter what.
She might be in the stage that she is starting to define herself and she wants to breakfree from being seen as the “Family Genius”. Might as well take away that label from her.
@Everyone-Thanks for the comments. We’ve actually gone through the process of talking, explaning, ecouragement, expectations, etc…I’ve been able to write about what happened because we have sorted out many of the things that needed sorting out and we are moving forward or rather have moved forward. I wish I could write the steps that we’ve taken to address the issues that I discussed. I purposely left a lot of information because I still want to keep it within the family.
@Melynn–I know what you are talking about because I have observed you guys going through the same exact thing when you were my students. While I didn’t directly put pressure on my children to really excel well in school, I am sure that my actions have indirectly sent this kind of message. The Filipino culture also have something to do with this issue of over achieving.
Thanks Melynn - your words is what I wanting to convey..
Chris to hear everything has worked out
this post reminded me of an incident when my first born was still in high school. being achievers themselves, they had always brought home nice grades in their report cards. during the third year in HS, on the second grading, she brought home a grade in Geometry of 83 from a 93 in first grading. my initial reaction was anger which had manifested probably from my tone asking her what happened and after hearing her response that it is a difficult subject, i replied that it was not a difficult subject because she was able to get 93 in the first grading. my daughter answered back, ‘hindi ako ikaw’ (i am not you). i was not able to answer back and realized immediately the effect of my reaction to the incident.
we learn from our children, too. and i am glad that you had somewhat gained a lesson or two from all that had transpired in your daughter’s life and in yours, too, as a parent.
A very honest and nicely written post. Thanks for sharing this.
I have a friend who went through a similar experience when she was in high school and it turned out to be hypothyroidism that was making her feel sluggish and depressed. If your daughter exhibits any of the other common symptoms, it might be worth a simple and inexpensive blood test.
Best of luck to you and your family.
@Clay Collins–
Thanks for the visit. My daughter actually mentioned this one because ironically she learned it from school. We will definitely look into this.
[…] felt before, and I immediately subscribed to her (awesome, by the way) blog. When Chris of Wat da Wat? shared his daughters’ struggles (with her permission), my heart went out to him and to his […]
Chris
This was a wonderful post and I really feel for you and your wife, but I don’t think what you daughter has been going through is unusual at all. She sounds like she’s trying to see who she is and what she wants and that’s part of growing up, isn’t it? Being the eldest and naturally gifted academically, it was always assumed by my parents that I would do “big things”. As a teen (about 16/17) I completely rebelled against all this expectation and I think I had something like 20 days off in one term in my second last year of school. I did care about my future, but I was so sick of being defined by what others saw as my gift and my potential. I felt like my whole future was mapped out and I’d never even had the chance to consider it.
Even as an adult, I have changed careers and taken the path of life experiencer, rather than achiever and I know this has been hard for my dad particularly. I know he loves me, but I think he is disappointed as well. He thought I was going to change the world or something and instead I have walked my own path, the one that felt right for me. Now he hopes I write something amazing to change the world - he never gives up my dad…
Anyway, my sister who is almost 22 has gone through a very similar situation and ended up taking 18 months off to work before going back to university and it seems to have been the best thing possible as she is now super focused and top of the course again.
I am sure your daughter is amazing and has much to give as you do, and she will do wonderful things with her life whatever she chooses. Have faith my friend.
Chris:
I am also have five very distinctly different children…personality-wise. I could relate to your story,beacuse our beautiful 17-year old daughter has been going through the very same thing in the past year and a half. This once very vibrant young lady has turned in to a recluse, hypochondriac and depressed. She has lost all desire to attend school, yet when she does have energy or an ailment that doesn’t have her in the bed..she is social…but it doesn’t last long. She has gone to three different counselors, been in the care of our family doctor..tried all kinds of meds. Only recently have we seen improvement in her behavior. My husband and I have started to back off after a recent therapy session that she revealed that she felt smothered..maybe we have been parenting too much. Slowly but surely her cycling through these down periods has become fewer and fewer…our daughter is actually making sound decisions and learning how to be a human being without the intense direction of her father and I. It is hard to learn how to stop mothering…letting go has been the most posiitve thing we have done all along.
I understand what you are going through more than words can say…as our children grow maturity…so must we…I missed this note at the bottom of page in my parenting handbook.
May your “Family genius” and our “Beauty” find peace and strength!
@Kelly and Amy Harden—We are atually at the point of understanding and acceptance. As a parent it is diffcult sometimes to accept that our children need to make their own path.
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