Wat da Wat?

photo from epilepsyfoundation.org 

There’s the problem! We parents try to talk too much to our teenagers. Teenagers don’t need to be talked to; they need to be listened to.

Do you remember your teenage years when everyone was trying to talk to you? Your teachers talked to you, your friends talked to you, the school counselor talked to you, and of course the police talked to you. And when you got home, your parents talked to you. Man, by the time you went to bed, you were already tone deaf because everyone talked your ear off.

It’s simply amazing that even if we experienced the same exact thing that our teenagers are going through right now, we still fail to understand, to sympathize, or to empathize with what they, our teenagers, are experiencing.

What’s worse is that if we comb the internet and bookstores for advice on how to talk to teenagers, we will get the same exact crap that everyone is peddling. Every single teenage parenting experts and parenting advice blogs try to teach us on how to talk to our teenagers.

The how to talk to your teenager line of thinking will never work with teenagers because by talking to them, you are actually imposing your own will and value system on them. The idea of imposing something on a teenager is doomed to begin with because by nature, either passively or aggressively, teenagers will try to resist control. And when there’s resistance, there will be no progress. Yes, they will nod their head and yes they will do what you ask them to do, but only for a short period of time, because all they really want is for you to stop talking. This means that they haven’t really internalized everything that you have said.

So what is the best way to have teenagers heed our advice? The first thing we need to do is to listen to what they have to say directly and indirectly.

Here’s the real deal. Everyone who knows me, especially my children, knows that I love to talk. And when problem surfaces with any of my children, I sometimes talk their ear off. Every time I resort to this type of parenting, the same issue or problem somehow makes its way back.

I will provide a couple of examples that happened with my own teenagers. I will keep the situation very general in order to respect and protect my children’s privacy. But I will provide enough information in order to make a distinction between talking and listening.

The first example has to do with the prodigal son. He wanted to graduate from High School early because he had enough credits to do so. Instead of listening carefully to his reasons, I jumped the gun and started talking to him about the advantages of staying longer, like being able to take more classes that he will need in college, or experience the joys of being a senior in high school. With out a fuss, the prodigal son followed my advice.

However, this is not the end of the story, in his senior year, problems and obstacles started popping up. Mind you, this is a young man without any previous school infractions. Had I listened to him, most of the crazy things that occurred could’ve been prevented. He was trying to tell me in his indirect way that he was ready to move on. But, I didn’t listen; instead I talked and talked and talked.

Another teenage issue surfaced with the family genius. She spoke a lot about what went on with her classes and at school. She expressed some concerns. As a school administrator and a teacher, I started talking and explaining why schools and teachers sometimes find it necessary to enact certain rules and guidelines. I advised her on what she needed to do in order to conquer the obstacles that were in front of her.

Anyone who was listening to our conversation would have totally agreed that I gave a balance and practical advice. The family genius nodded and said ok. I thought I made some in roads, but unfortunately I created more obstacles on her path because I allowed myself and my home to be a part of the very same thing she was questioning.

The family genius’ school issues worsen and I continued to talk and talk and sometimes scream and scream. Then I stopped talking, but I also didn’t listen. I resigned with the notion that everything will eventually work itself out when she figured out what she needed to do. But this didn’t happen.

The turning point came when a conference was held at the school. I was present and the school administrators were also there. I didn’t talk much during the meeting because I knew the school administration will usually do most of the talking. The family genius did talk a lot because she had to respond to some of the school administration’s questions.

As I listened to my daughter, I realized that I have already heard her answers before, albeit they were expressed in a different manner. When we had our initial talks before things got worse, she already expressed the same sentiments, but I didn’t catch them. I didn’t catch them because I wasn’t listening to her. All of the things that happened could’ve been prevented had I listened to her and requested a meeting with the school administration. But that’s the problem, it was easier for me to give her an advice rather than listen to her carefully and act on the cues that she was giving me.

My children suffered unnecessarily because I failed to listen to them. I took the easy route, I talked and not listened.

We as parents, most of the time would say to our teenagers, “Why don’t you listen?” The simple fact is that children will always mirror adult behavior. So if we want our children to listen to us, we must model the behavior of listening.

In the beginning, it will be tough just to listen because our natural inclination is to jump in and interrupt and spout out some parental advice and no how. But we have to realize that our ultimate goal is for our teenagers to be well adjusted adults and we can only do this is if we listen to them.

Since our teenagers are going through so much stuff, like peer pressure, biological changes, and social anxiety, all they really want is for us to listen to them so they can vent. And if they need our advice, they will ask for it naturally. But if we don’t learn how to listen to them, then they will turn to other people who will.

Would we want to be the ones who listen to our children or would we rather have someone from the streets or on the internet to listen to them?

The choice is ours!