Giving Up On Your Children
I give up! I’ve had it. There’s nothing more I can do.
As an educator, I have heard these phrases uttered many times before by frustrated and angry parents. There have been times also where I’ve expressed the same words as a result of my own frustration with my own children. But, do we really mean them?
Do we, as parents, really want to give up on our children when they constantly don’t do the things that they are supposed to do. When you have done all you can possibly do, and nothing changes, do you give up and let your children face the consquences of their actions alone? Or, do you keep trying and hoping that maybe someday, your children will turn it around?
I understand that there are certain things that you might give up on more easily than others and I have listed some circumstances below. Which of the following will you, as a parent, eventually throw in the towel if you have done all you can to help your child and nothing has changed? And, which will you keep trying and trying to help your child with even when you know deep down inside that it’s a hopeless case?
Your child/ren:
1. Has a very messy, dirty, stinky room.
2. Doesn’t practice proper hygiene.
3. Constantly fails to do the assigned house chores.
4. Doesn’t do homework and receives bad grades or repeats the grade.
5. Has a behavioral problem in school.
6. Doesn’t like going to school.
7. Keeps hanging out with the wrong crowd.
8. Uses illicit drugs.
9. Defiant.
10. Keeps getting into bad relationships.
Obviously, I could keep comming up with more things but let’s keep it at 10 for now. Also, some of the items listed above are age specific. I decided to clump all them together because as I see it, it doesn’t really matter how old your children are, you will aways be their parent and naturally you will always face the same tough decision.
When the time comes, do you keep caring or do you give up?
My kids are still young (6 and 8), so it’s probably easy for me to say it, but I don’t plan on ever giving up… I will keep nagging them to death on all issues that I deem important.
I think it is my job as a parent to nag and educate and teach, even if they don’t always listen.
I also think that kids secretly *want* their parents to keep nagging and caring, even if they don’t listen.
Having said that… I may feel differently when they are teenagers.
Soceity wanted me to give on my children. I refused.. I cannot see me giving up on them in the future… I want my children to become sucessful adults…
Wow, my first jaunt over here and I am leaving this humongous comment! I hope it’s OK…I am a touch OCD and tend to answer things point by point, and thoroughly. Sigh.
1. He’s five and I have already given up on a clean room. In the grand scheme, it just isn’t that important to me. As long as the public rooms of our home are clean, I let it go. Also, he’s not permitted to complain when he can’t find something because it’s lost in the mess. He knows what to do about that.
2. Hmm…I don’t have this problem yet. The Evil Genius is fanatical about brushing his teeth and loves to bathe. I dread the teen years.
3. Erm…should a five-year-old have chores? He helps cook when I can safely let him, and he gets downright resentful if I empty the dishwasher without his help. Otherwise, I haven’t given him regular chores yet. Slacker mom at work.
4. Hmm…perhaps I should wait and answer this in a few years. We’re home schooling, which makes this a difficult one to answer. He does some second grade level work, some first, and he definitely writes like a kindergartner, for what it’s worth. If his keeping up with his work becomes a problem, I intend to be relentless about it…education is no place to slack.
5. Don’t they all? Seriously, my spawn has inherited an evil temper from both sides of the family, and he hasn’t quite got the hang of meditation, calming breaths, and other temper control methods, so I often bear the brunt of his screaming fits. Luckily, they are rare - he’s gotten much better at thinking about what’s making him angry and voicing his frustration before he loses control entirely. I won’t give up on this, either, as it’s important to know what makes us angry, how to deal with that anger, how to channel it productively.
6. This one made me laugh. OK, so he does resist sometimes, but I don’t give in on this. He needs to learn, even if it’s not in the usual structured environment. A good education is among the best of life’s tools.
7. This one’s tough. If the kid in question is under age, dependent on the parents, and/or is living in the parent’s home, then the parents have something to say about who the child spends time with/brings home. When they’re older, more independent and self-reliant, I don’t know that parents really can control who their child sees socially. They need to learn that not everyone is their friend, that some people will use them or lead them the wrong way in life - but no one wants to see their child hurt. In the end, I think I would likely keep at it, even were my son grown.
8. Oh, dear. I’ve thought about this one a lot. You see, I think that certain things should be legalized…such as anything you can grow in your back yard and ingest without manufacturing or processing. I have, in the distant past, been known to partake in certain…erm…smokeables. Sigh. That said…we live in a society of laws, and even when we don’t like some of those laws, we are bound by them. We can change them, but not ignore them. I will teach him this, and unlawful drugs will not be permitted in this house. I will be relentless about this. I have also decided that, should he ever be taken into custody for possession or the like, he will have to face the music. I’ll stand behind him and love him, but I won’t shelter him from the consequences of his actions. I knew too many kids whose parents did that, and they never benefited.
9. He already is, and sometimes I am at a loss as to what I should do about it. Right now, he can be sent to his room and deprived of privileges…but when he’s seventeen? It once again comes down to consequences…he will have to learn to face them.
10. I’m his mum - I will always care that he is heading for a fall. I will probably always want to warn him. And I will eventually keep silent, even though it’s killing me. I’ll be here when he’s hurting, but as above…consequences. If I shield him from his mistakes, how will he learn? If his life isn’t in peril, if he’s not a danger to others, I would be doing him a disservice to step in.
There comes a time, too, when you have to back away or be damaged yourself. No parent wants to give up on their child. We all want to believe that our kids will come right in the end. Sometimes, though, the struggle becomes too much - it hurts the parent, the rest of the family, and then…then you change your part…but I don’t think we ever give up. I have told my son many times (and will likely do so many time more) that I will always love him, no matter what he does. I may not like him, I may not like how he behaves, but I will love him unconditionally, always. I had to explain this to him because he did something he shouldn’t and was disciplined for it, and he thought I didn’t love him any more. Now he knows better, and I hope he carries that with him to adulthood.
Thought provoking stuff.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Oh, I care. I care very much. It’s just in my own way. I can’t very well give up on someone who shares my genetics, now can I?
1. Tita Alice won’t clean my room, she wants 10 bucks an hour and 8 hours to clean it.
2. Sometimes
3. Force Benito or Pay Benito to do my chores
4. I don’t do Homework and I don’t repeat grades
5. Sometimes
6. Sometimes
7. The Crowd hangs with me
8. Nah
9. LoL Defiant..
10.Only have one
I agree with all your tips with the exception of kissing the lady on the first date. A true gentlemen will wait for the appropriate time to kiss for the first time.
I would give her a kiss on both cheeks, let her know you had a wonderful time and tell her you would love to see her again.
You are being open and honest and she will return the favor by telling you if she had a great time and if she would like to see you again. No guessing game.
Not to say if you kiss a girl on the first date you are not a gentlemen. I’m generalizing.
Thanks for the post!
Hi Sir Chris,
Having been a teenager and a parent now, I can say that I am almost going on a full circle. Good thing is I still have 10 years before my daughter CJ becomes a teener. 10 more years to prepare for that stage. My husband and I are making the most of her childhood coz we know that when she reaches her teens, we, at one phase or another, will probably experience the same teenage problems our parents encountered when we were the same. Hehehe..
I think the problem really is the parents haven’t laid down a good foundation during the earlier years of their children. They probably didn’t have good relationships with their children from the start. They don’t talk with their children. They don’t talk to them eye to eye, heart to heart. And they don’t listen. They don’t let them tell their stories. They don’t let them speak up. That’s why when the kids grow up and the parents talk (or to a teenager, nag), the kids don’t listen to their moms or dads anymore. It just comes around.
There is this quote which says that ‘The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.’ That is why you got to get your children brainwashed while they are still young. Hehehe…
I have a brother who is going into college and I’m going to be his guardian here in Manila. I guess, that would prepare me when my daughter and eventually other children will grow up. My mother is already having a hard time in the province nagging him to do his homework. Hmm.. Let me see my powers too.
I hope I can handle my brother when he gets to live with me this June here in Manila.
Wish me luck!
Add A Comment