Wat da Wat?

If you are raising teenagers and a 3 year old, the best tool for your parenting success is bribery.

While bribing a politician or a traffic cop may land in jail, bribing your own children will bring great success and long lasting peace and quiet. And if you are really skillful in the art of bribery, you might even receive a father of the year award.

I must warn you though that becoming a bribe master takes years of practice and plenty of trial and error. But if you don’t have the time and devotion to be a zen briber, do not be troubled. You have come to the right place. I will share with you my wealth of knowledge.

So if you are a new parent or a new parent of teenagers, take heed. I am confident that these bribing techniques will do wonders with your parenting skills.

To be a bribe master like me, all you need to know is one simple but important rule, when to bribe. The following list is a list of parenting situations when you need to employ the art of bribing. There are countless of situations when bribing is necessary, but for the sake of brevity, I am limiting my list to a few really important instances.

1. Relief: Having a constipated child is a terrible thing. When one of my dear children was constipated, I had to focus and conjure up my bribing spirit in order to free my child from the shackle of the porcelain god. For over an hour, my child could not free the menace from his body. My poor child wanted to give up to a point that the Angel of Death was being summoned so that this sweet child of mine can be released from the said affliction. Painfully, my child cried and spoke like a mother giving birth to a child. In my child’s desperation, I was instructed to use my fatherly hands and like an obstetrician, pull out the miserable shit. As much as I love my pride and joy, I couldn’t perform. Low and behold from the depths of my being, my bribe master self came out and offered my child a bribe that couldn’t be refused. I offered the newest Lego Set as a reward for a final push. My dear child took a deep breath, closed his eyes, clenched his fists, pressed his behind firmly on the toilet seat and pushed. Joy to the world, a little brown shit the size of a marble sank into its watery grave and the 1 1/2 hour ordeal was over.

2. Medication: Every parent knows that administering medicine to a sick child is like convincing a Filipino to give up rice. And since all my children are the biggest wimps when it comes taking medicine, my bribing expertise needs to be strategically employed. A simple toy or a trip to McDonalds will not get you anywhere with this obstacle. The one that has consistently worked for me is a combination of chocolate, control of the TV, and staying up late. Now before you crucify me for being a bad parent, please hear me out. Usually, a meal will be served before the medicine is administered. And since the child is drugged up, I have no problem of giving up control of the TV. Before the chocolate comes, my adorable child will be in dreamland and all is well in my castle.

 3. Sanitation: Having teenagers means having garbage dumps in your house as bedrooms. And since I can’t torture my teenagers’ into cleaning their rooms without being reported to DCFS, I employ the best bribe ever invented for teenagers, the automobile. The car’s ultimate purpose in American society is to act as a tool for parents to use so that they can make their teenagers clean their room. My teenagers do not like driving the family van. They all want to drive Daddy’s Red Convertible GT Mustang, I mean Honda Civic. Why, because it’s cool, sleek and most importantly it has gas. So instead of trying to beat them to death in order for them to clean their room, I just wait when they want to use my car. Not only does the car have the power to clean rooms but it also magically washes dishes and runs errands.

4. Maid or Butler Service: The best part of having children is that I get free maid and butler service. I utilize my children skillfully to do all the work that my wife asks me to do like clean the garage, vacuum the floor, cut the grass, etc…I also have them get me a drink or fix me a sandwich when I watch sports on the weekends. So how do I get my stubborn and slothful children to do work for me? You guessed it, I bribe them. But this type of bribery is not a typical bribe that involves tangible things like a new toy, the use of a car, or a dessert before dinner kind off a bribe. This bribe is more on the psychological side of bribery. I simply tell them that if they don’t do what I asked them to do, then when the time comes when they are playing video games, watching a movie, entertaining their friends or any time they are having fun, I will make sure to end whatever they are doing. This usually works because my children know that I am crazy enough to do it.

Again, as I stated before, there are more instances in parenting where the art of bribery can be utilized successfully. But the list above is by far the most important situations where one can employ strategic bribery. 

If you have never bribed your children before, then you might have to slowly work this ancient art into your parenting arsenal. Remember that only through practice and diligence can you attain mastery of this great tool.

Lastly, to be a true bribe zen master, you must follow through and be consistent. Happy bribing!