Wat da Wat?

I’m very fortunate that my 4 older children had the opportunity to be raised by a full time Stay At Home Mom. Now, I’m even more fortunate that my youngest is being raised by my sister-in-law. From 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., CJ’s nanny is Tita Alice or Ayi as CJ affectionately calls her.

Aside from taking care of CJ, out of the goodness of her heart, Ayi also manages to prepare dinner, clean the house, and watch over the other rugrats when they get home from work or school. While the extra things that she does for us are definitely a bonus, the most important impact she has is the mere fact that she’s exposing CJ to our Filipino culture and values. With Ayi, CJ has learned how to understand the Filipino language and a Filipino dialect, a privilege that CJ’s siblings enjoyed when Lucille took care of them full time.

While I’m thankful for Ayi’s role in my family, I cannot help but wonder how much pain and sacrifice she’s enduring. As we bask in her presence, Ayi’s children Sacha, Arvin, Kat-Kat, and Tricia are growing up without their mother. How could this be? The reason being is that Ayi has made the ultimate sacrifice. She has made the decision that in order for her children to have a better and brighter future she had to leave the Philippines and leave her children behind in order to find a better paying job.  

She toils day and night, six days a week. She takes care of my family during the day and at night she takes care of a couple of elderly. And the money that she’s earned is sent to the Philippines to take care of her children’s expenses and schooling.

While remarkable, Ayi’s story is not unique in the Philippines. Many mothers make the difficult decision to leave the country to find better employment opportunity just so they can secure their children’s future. Most of these mothers end up finding jobs in other countries as care givers. The irony of this sad story cannot be ignored. These women give care to other people while their own children are left behind yearning for their mothers’ care.

It’s unfortunate that sometimes women like Ayi or SAHM or career moms are questioned and chastised for the choices that they make. They are criticized for every single thing that they do. But for some miraculous way, these moms find a way to shake these criticisms off and continue to focus on what is really important, which is their children.

I often wonder what Ayi feels every time she feeds CJ or give him a bath. I sometimes want to be in her shoes just so that I can have a better understanding of what she’s going through. But, as usual during these times of wonderment, reality again smacks me upside my head and loudly says, “Fool, you wouldn’t last a minute being in her shoes.

Reality is definitely right. I wouldn’t cut it as a mom, like Ayi, only the best ones can.

photo by coolcards

This weekend we visited my parents to celebrate Mother’s Day. As my wife and my sister-in-law chatted with my mom in the dining room, I sat next to my dad to watch the Cubs game. As usual, in between his nodding off and yelling “hit the ball, man,” he would turn to me and ask how everything is going. And of course, I would say that everything is fine and we would proceed to talk about the children, sports, my sisters, and life in general.

On occasion he would give me a big smile and a head shake because he couldn’t believe how crazy I get sometimes with my ideas about life and politics.

During this light-hearted exchange, I can’t help but notice how my dad has aged. The years of work and responsibility has made their mark on his face and hands. As I examined his countenance during one his nodding off spell, I’m reminded of one of the many conversations that Smiley Face and I had in the car.

During one of our long trek home,  Smiley Face  looked at my hair and said “Daddy, you have a lot of gray hair.”

I kept my eyes on the road and responded, “I know, Daddy’s getting old.”

“But I don’t want you to get old,” she answered back.

“It’s ok,” I said. “We all grow old.”

She looked at me and said, “I still don’t want you to get old because when people get old, they die.” Then, as always, she looked away and continued to look at the stores, the people, and the cars that we passed by.

“Don’t worry, I going to be a live for a long time. Plus, I’m going to make sure that I’m around when you have your own children so that I can teach them how to be crazy like you.”

With this last comment, she again looked at me and gave me one of her patented smile.

After a conversation like this, I usually would change the radio station to the one she likes just to get another smile from her. And to top it off, I would sing a long with the music and of course she would cover hear ears pretending to hate my singing.

There’s never an easy way to deal with topics such as death. Until now, I still have difficulty grappling with my parents own mortality. I am sure that my children feel the same way. Smiley Face already knows that death is a part of life so there’s no need for me to elaborate. What I try to do whenever my children present this issue is to re-focus their thoughts to the more positive aspect of death, which is the life that preceeds it.

Perhaps one of the most important lessons we give our children is to have proper manners. This is especially difficult because when teaching manners to children, it’s not enough just to say it, we also have to model it, and this is where the challenge lies.

While many situations give us clear guidelines on what are proper and improper manners, some are on a gray area. I have compiled a list of things that my pose some challenge when it comes to determining what is proper and what isn’t. I am pretty much sure what I would do when faced with these situations, my curiosity however lies on other people’s reactions.

If you are faced with the same circumstances listed below, what would you do?”

1. How long would you wait until you honk your horn if the driver in front of you doesn’t realize that the light has turned green?

2. How many times do you have to say thank you to a restaurant server or a flight attendant? Do you thank them every time they bring you something or do you thank them when you are about to leave?

3. When entering a building with a revolving door and you are going in with another person, do you let that person go first so that you can push from behind, or do you go first so that you can push in front of the person?

4. While in a crowded bus and assuming that you would give up your seat for the elderly, handicapped, and pregnant women, would you give up your seat for another person, man or a woman, who is as healthy as you are?

5. When you are in a crowded place and you need to get to point B from point A but there’s somebody in your way and you say excuse me to the person but the person ignored you or didn’t hear you. What’s your next move?

6. Two people are having a conversation and you desperately need to speak to one of them. Do you interrupt their conversation or would you wait until they are finished talking before you speak with one of them?

7. If you have a full cart of groceries and you are in front of person who only has a handful of items, would you let the person go first? And if the situation is reversed and you are the one behind a person with a cart full of groceries, would you ask the person if you can go before him or her?

8. Will you keep holding a door for someone if they are taking too long to get to the door?

9. If you are having a bad day and someone says hi or good morning to you, would you respond in kind?

10. If a person doesn’t respond to your e-mail immediately, how long will you wait until you e-mail the person again to ask if they’ve received your e-mail or not? 

11. If you are invited to a dinner at a restaurant, would you offer to pay for your meal?

12. You are in rush to catch the bus, train or your next flight. As you speed walk your way through the many obstacles, you see a person struggling with their bags, luggage, etc. Would you slow down and offer your help and risk missing your ride? 

These are just a few things that we face everyday. Sometimes our responses to these situations have minimal effect but when children are around, your reaction to these certain situations becomes more significant. For children, your behavior towards these minor occurrences reflects whether you really mean what you say when you tell them to be courteous and helpful. It is during these insignificant times when real character building happens.

If you really think about it, most of the things above require habitual responses. If you are in a habit of helping or being courteous, then whether your children are present or not, you will be accommodating. For example, I can’t stand people who drive right on the speed limit. I try not to get impatient when my children are in the car, but through force of habit, I display a knee jerk reaction every time I am following a slow driver. To show my frustration, I would usually say, “c’mon what are you doing?” Or I would say, “wat da wat is going on here.” Since I have Smiley Face riding with me everyday, I no longer have to say these things because when a slow driver gets in front of us, Smiley Face would automatically get irritated and say, “c’mon, wat da…?”

Seeing this reaction from Smiley Face makes me cringe because I have taught her the wrong habit. I’m trying to correct my mistake by telling her that it’s ok that the person in front is driving slower because I’m just driving too fast. And of course, as with any habits, it’s difficult to break but I’m are working on it.

There are many things that I still need to work on and I hope that I can correct my poor habits so that I can be the best example for my children. I just hope that enough people will also be helpful and courteous so that my children and other children will have more role models for proper etiquette.

photo by duncans

I have a two and a half hour commute to and from work. During this seemingly unproductive time, I occupy myself with telling jokes with Smiley Face, listening to NPR, and watching people. Yes, I people watch on my rear view and side view mirrors.

It’s amazing what people do when they are in their cars. Some use the phone, sing, pick their nose, put make-up on, eat, drink, kiss, read, talk, and argue. These things are all very common and most of the time I just give a quick glance and look away. However, there’s one thing that always catches my attention. And no, it’s not the make-out session scene.

I get fixated at a particular car when I see people or couples argue. It’s actually quite comical. At one point you can see the man making wild gestures with one hand while the other hand is glued on the steering wheel. On the passenger side, you can see the woman equally emphatic with her facial expressions. As I voyeuristically watch couples argue, I am reminded of the old silent movies when actors speak but all you hear is the background music. This routine gets played out until one just gives up and looks outside the window and ignores the partner on the other seat.

However, the amusing routine becomes tragic when I spy children in the backseat. This is when I stop watching the couples and I try to concentrate on the children’s expressions. While the parents continue to rip each other apart, the children sit motionless in the backseat. They are trapped. They cannot go to their rooms, shut their doors and cover their ears with their pillows to avoid hearing their parents arguments. They cannot run outside in the backyard or run around the block. They just sit there motionless as they stare out the window wishing that they were in somebody else’s car.

As the Family Genius said one Saturday morning when this topic was discussed, “Why do people argue when they are in the car?” This concept is very foreign to my children because my wife and I do not argue in front of the children. And when we do have disagreements, we try not escalating it when they are around.

It is true that sometimes arguments between couples cannot be avoided but to have it in the car with the children in the backseat is equal to an emotional hostage. Is the argument more important than the children’s emotional stability that it needs to be held in the car?

Confinement is probably the main reason why couples argue inside an automobile. When the argument gets really heated, no one can really walk out. Both parties are forced to sit and listen to the other’s point. This may work but while both parties continue to belittle each other, they are also stripping away the respect that their children have for them.

Unfortunately, while we can legislate people’s eating, smoking, drinking, and driving habits, we cannot legislate people’s bad parenting habits. That would be something though if someone could get pulled over for arguing in the car while children are in the backseat. But this is just wishful thinking on my part. Like our homes, a person’s car is a person’s castle.

There were two milestones in the family this weekend and both have something to do with cars, the All-American symbol of independence and spirit. The first milestone involves my wife and the second milestone involves the prodigal son.

Let me talk about the first milestone since I am somewhat involved. My wife’s company purchased a car for her for business and personal use. Her company bought a luxury SUV because the people she deals with are people who are very conscious about money and the appearance of money. Here’s the best part, after 3 years, she gets to keep the SUV.

I am somewhat involved because for the first time in my life I had the opportunity to drive a luxury vehicle. While I really didn’t show too much excitement, I was all giddy inside. I was like a little kid on Christmas morning. When I drove the SUV around, I can feel all the materialistic, superficial pride ozing out of me.

I know that the vehicle is not mine, but for at least one day, I can pretend to be rich. For one day, I can get away from my middle class, Honda Civic driving self.  As I drive on the Chicago’s Eisenhower Expressway, with the sun roof open, the wife on the passenger side, and the two youngest on the back enjoying looking at the clouds, I said to myself, “how can one man be this lucky.” I’m driving an awesome car, I have a beautiful woman next to me and I can hear the laughter of two of the cutest kids in the world. Life is definitely good!

Now the second milestone also involves an automobile. Following behind me on the expressway is the prodigal son with his new car. Yes, my son, purchased his own car this weekend. With his purchased, he gained his membership to the American Debtors Club. He is now a proud owner of a car note.

I just hope that his first big purchased will teach him the real value of hard work and money. I hope that he doesn’t fall into the trap that many Americans fall into, which is to incur more debt. With his purchase he will certainly think twice before eating out everyday. He will also be mindful of buying things because they look cool and not because they are functional.

I know that the prodigal son feels the same way as his mother and me when it comes to the obvious symbolism of his purchase. He is now a man who can execute huge responsibility without the aid of his parents. If his automobile purchase doesn’t make him feel like an adult, in his parents eyes, he is certainly on his way of being one.

The best part of this whole car buying thing is that he made a comment that he may regret later on. Since he was feeling euphoric about his new ride, his adult sensibility stated that he will eventually help us buy a bigger home for the family and that in a few years, he will give his car to his brother, the guy in the middle. (Here it is son, in black and white. I just documented what you said for all the entire world to see. Now you really have to make good on your statement.)

It is apparent that I am making light of this important event. But the undeniable fact is that the automobile again has played an important role in an American family. I am sure that the same scenario has been enacted across the landscape of American driveways. The car has helped our nation expand, and it has shaped our American identity. This weekend, the automobile surely worked its magic again.

Now all we need to do is find a way to keep feeding our car addiction with clean renewable energy so that we can continue our automobile love affair.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
                             And be one traveler… The Road Not taken Robert Frost

There have been many times when I had to make difficult choices. And I made my share of right and wrong decisions. My hope is that my children will never have to make the same tough choices as I have, but this is only wishful thinking. I know that there will come a time when my children will face two roads that diverged in a yellow wood and they will have to decide which road to take.

I wish I could be there to help them make that choice. Unfortunately, like everything that is important in life, they will have to make their decisions on their own. While it is true that I cannot always be there to guide them, I want them to know a few things that will guide them through their chosen path.

1. Listen to your heart. While listening to your heart when making choices doesn’t guarantee that your choice is the right one, it will at least make the journey more passionate and more satisfying. I’m very fortunate that every time I listen to my heart when making decisions, I ended up making the right choice because I try my hardest to make my choice work. If you follow your heart, your heart will not allow you to quit so easily when things get rough. And sometimes, it’s this extra effort that turns things around for the better.

When my wife and I decided to be together and raise a family, there was plenty of resistance. But we made the difficult choice to be together and listen to our hearts. It would have been more convenient if we parted ways but if we took the road that’s often travelled, we wouldn’t have the family that we have now.

2. Do the right thing. When making choices you always have to differentiate between what’s the right choice and what’s the right thing to do. Making the right choice doesn’t necessarily mean that you are doing the right thing. 

Four years ago I faced this type of decision whether to choose the right choice or to choose the right thing to do. I had to quit my old job because I did not agree with the unethical changes that were happening with the organization. However, during that time, my wife was pregnant with our 5th child. When I quit my job I didn’t have any other job lined up. The right choice was to stay with the organization and deal with the changes so that my family’s financial situation will be secured. The right thing to do was to stand up for my principles and leave the organization.

I opted to do the right thing. My choice obviously met some ire from family members but I am glad that I stood my ground and kept my integrity untarnished. It’s not by accident that everything worked out because when you do the right thing, good things happen.

3. No regrets. Once you have made your choice accept it and see it through. If you made the wrong choice, do not regret it, move forward. Having regrets will only cripple you and prevent you from making your next choice. We won’t always make the right choices. And when we do make a mistake with our decisions, we must learn from them and not regret them.

I made a mistake of not playing collegiate tennis. I regretted this decision. However, I learned that when I couldn’t let go of the regret, I wasn’t able to see the benefits of me concentrating on my academics. I became consumed with my missed opportunity.

When I released myself from my regret, I discovered that I have learned more and gained more from not playing tennis collegiately. I learned that new opportunities open when you take a different path and that you just have to recognize these new opportunities. As a result of my academic focus, I received a Fulbright Scholarship to study in the Philippines for a semester. My experience in the Philippines made me realize my true passion, which is teaching.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

The choices that I made are certainly not conventional choices. It’s not always easy to take the road less traveled, but if you take that road whole heartedly, it will make all the difference. One thing is certain, as my children face their diverging road, I want them to know that they will have what I never had, which is an unconditional support of a parent.

So my precious and beautiful children, travel your path with confidence and know that if you ever lose your way, there will always be a road that will lead you home.

photo from k-punk

Vered at MomGrind tagged me for three random things meme. I’m glad because it gives me a reprieve from yesterday’s emotionally laden posts. So here are Three Random Things about me.

1. I’m a karaoke junkie.

2. I turned down a tennis scholarship and opted for an academic scholarship instead because the academic scholarship package was better. One of the top boneheaded choices that I’ve ever made.

3. I hate that I can’t beat my wife in scrabble even though I’m an English Major…GRRRRRR!

So there’s my three random things. Now I’m tagging five people and hope that they play along.

Since I was tagged, does this mean that I’ve arrived as a blogger?

1. Becky at MommyWantsVodka 

2. Monk at MonkMojo

3. Bruno at Brunologreco

4. Kelly at She-Power

5. Kyddryn at Shade and Sweetwater

As a parent of 5 very intelligent and fun loving children, I am used to certain behaviors. One of these behaviors is their capacity to excel in school. All of the children excelled in academics, especially the Family Genius. She didn’t just excel in school; she super excelled to the infinity power.

For the Family Genius, school is like clock work; straight A, State finalist in academics, Varsity Player for Tennis, and an ACT scores deserving of an Ivy League acceptance letter. However, this all changed abruptly.

Last year, out from nowhere she became a new person. She hated going to school, failed a couple of her AP courses, and became indifferent with her academics.

My initial reaction was anger. I got angry with her for not doing what she was supposed to do. After the anger, I started levying consequences. I dismissed her recent behavior as teenage rebellion or teenage angst. I knew the Family Genius didn’t want to disappoint us so I figured that the multiple talks, guilt trips and consequences will work. Sadly, I was mistaken. Her behavior remained the same.

At this point, I was past my angry stage and well into my frustration stage. I was frustrated and resigned to the fact that there was nothing I can do but accept what is going on and hope that she’ll snap out of her funk. But, the Family Genius didn’t snap out of it.

We realized that this was more than teenage angst. She could be clinically depressed. As a next step, she started seeing a therapist. There was some improvement but it wasn’t significant. The strangest thing about all of this is that while she became apathetical with her academics, she remained involved with her extra curricular activities. In addition, she was still engaged with the daily family routine. We even played a lot of tennis together. She even got very excited because I was able to fix her crappy serve. She also went on a long summer vacation to the Philippines.

When she came back, she told me, “Daddy, I’m back,” meaning she’s back in her groove again. When I heard her utter these 3 words, my heart jumped and I started doing back flips and hand stands. Needless to say, I was happy. Our Family Genius is back! She was on her way again to right what is wrong and to prepare herself as the savior of the oppressed and the downtrodden.

But, her new found energy was short lived. It lasted only for the first semester. Perhaps all along, she knew what was going on but unfortunately, I didn’t. I didn’t know what to do anymore. So I left her alone with the hope that she will somehow work herself out of the hole that she was in. My wife and I suggested for her to see a therapist again but she declined.  Her age, 18, and her maturity determined why her mother and I had to respect her decision of not seeing a therapist.

She assured us that she will be ok and that everything will be fine. Come to think of it, this was the first time that she said that she’ll be ok and that she didn’t need therapy. So we let go and now we wait.

As I write this post, she is right, so far she’s fine. She recently came back from the State Science Olympiad and she placed 3rd out of hundreds of students statewide and she hasn’t missed a single school day. But, we still watch and wait.

Until now, my wife and I are still trying to figure out what really happened with her. Was it just certain circumstances at school, was it teenage angst, or was it depression that caused her to drastically change her behavior. Nevertheless, we went through it and learned many valuable lessons.

Perhaps this was just a phase or perhaps it will be on ongoing issue that could only be treated with professional help or medication. But regardless of what it was, when the time comes again that I have to deal with the same situation with my other children, I will be more prepared.

What is ironic about this whole episode is that I should have known better on how to deal with my own daughter’s issues because I am paid to know such things. All throughout my career, I have worked with families and students that went through the same exact thing we went through. Perhaps, I was too emotionally invested that my feelings clouded my own professional judgment. I guess I was like a surgeon who cannot operate on the patient because the patient is my child.

This episode in our life was a huge struggle and I thank the Family Genius for allowing me to share this with you. I don’t know if the Family Genius learned any valuable lessons from what she has gone through the past 2 years. But, I know for certain that I learned many things about her and about myself.

One of the most important lessons that I’ve learned is that as a father my expectations, my feelings and my emotions become secondary when dealing with my child’s own ambivalence and confusion. And as a result, because I am a father, my children’s peace becomes mine.

photo by triumphbooks.com

Perhaps the reason why I have such an optimistic view in life is because I am a DIE HARD CUB FAN!

Yes, it is true; they haven’t won a World Series since 1908, which makes it exactly 100 years. But I know for sure that if I die before the Cubs win the World Series, at least one of my children will be able to see this momentous occasion. And when this happens, all my children will undoubtedly order a World Series ring in my honor.

My fanaticism with the Cubs started with my dad. He was also a big Cub fan that is until the White Sox won the World Series and then he became a “Chicago Fan.” You can imagine how I felt that day when this was revealed to me. This was a betrayal beyond Benedict Arnold.  But, I had to get over it; after all he is my father.

What I don’t understand though is how my children are so indifferent when it comes to the Cubbies. I thought I raised them properly. We watched games together and I took them to see the game. But, the only one who really shows interest on the Cubs is the 3 year old, but this only happens if his favorite shows on TV are not on.

Perhaps my children’s apathy towards the Cubs is an ongoing conspiracy among my children to make Daddy’s life miserable. If you think that I am paranoid, keep on reading and judge for yourself. The following are examples of how my children purposely root against the Cubs just so they can spite me.

1. When we went to see the Cubs at Wrigley Field or see the Cross-town Classic against the Sox, they don’t even pay attention to the game. Their focus is on the cotton candy, ice cream, hot dogs, and going to the bathroom every time the Cubs are about to bat.

2. They always want to make a bet with me and of course they always pick the other team to win.

3. The Prodigal Son will text me from work just to let me know that the Cubs are losing or have lost. And, all his text messages are punctuated with, “Yea!”

4. I have been going to Cubs games for a long time now and I never had any opportunity to catch a ball. Finally, last year, the Family Genius and I went to one of the games. We had an excellent opportunity to grab a foul ball. The ball literally rolled passed the Family Genius and went under her seat. Instead of grabbing the ball, she allowed a kid sitting two seats down to go under her seat and to take the baseball. Man, the only time that I wanted her to be ruthless and selfish she couldn’t deliver for Daddy.

5. This is my favorite; the Guy in the Middle will actually watch the game with me so that he can make fun of the Cubs and then see how I would react. After a couple of, “Cubs sucks, there gonna lose, and aaaahaaaa,” the Guy in the Middle would normally exit the room because he knows that the next time he opens his mouth he will have to pay a hefty price.

Ok, my children are not really monstrous when it comes to the Cubs. They did mourn with me when the Cubs lost Game 6 of the 2003 National League Championship Series against the Florida Marlins; the infamous Bartman Ball incident. But this only lasted for the night. The following morning they were already hatching a plan on how to irk me for the next season.

This is ok. I can take all the abuse from them because they are my children and I love them. But mark my word. As soon as the Cubs win the World Series, I will redo all their bedrooms Cubby blue. Everything in their bedroom will remind them of the Cubs victory. I will play the song Go Cubs Go over and over again. And I will make them swear their allegiance to the Cubs and if they refuse to do so, then there’s always room in the garage.

GO CUBS!

I love Sunday morning brunch with the family, especially if I don’t have to prepare the brunch. My lovely wife just got back from the Philippines, and since she’s still in a jetlag mode and couldn’t sleep, she prepared a feast for the family. With the exception of the prodigal son, who is at work pulling a double shift, the family genius, the guy in the middle, smiley face, and CJ a.k.a. Sylar, are all present.

The best part of the Sunday morning brunch is not the food but the conversation. And as usuall the topics of conversation was all over the place. The person who gets the last point in from the previous topic usually controls the conversation.

We discussed a lot of important issues like:

1. Elvis never gave an anchor and always left the building before the show ends. This was the family genius’ topic. I have no idea how this got into the conversation.

2. There’s 3 things you have to do; travel the world, learn how to play an instrument, and learn a second language. They got this from one of their teachers. It sounds like a great advice to me. The children already know at least two languages and they are beginning to travel. So they are on their way to fulfilling this advice.

3. American hard core criminals will not last a day in Philippine prisons or with the Philippine Police. There’s a popular belief that the Philippine Police shoot the suspects first before firing off a warning shot. The children find this both very amusing and sad.

4. Who’s Daddy’s favorite? Smiley Face commented that I’m spoiling CJ (a.k.a. Sylar). The Guy In The Middle defended me by stating that Smiley Face also got most of the attention when she was the youngest. We all agreed that everything seems to even out in the scheme of things.

5. Rice Shortage. Since rice is a staple food for every Filipino household, this topic was important. I re-assured everyone that we are ok and that rice will always be present at the dinner table. The worse thing that could happen is that we will have spaghetti or burgers for dinner instead of good ole’ rice and whatever dish is prepared. The kiddies were relieved that we have a back-up plan just in case we run out of rice.

Ok, maybe the topics listed here were not really that important. However, what is important is that we are together and we had a conversation. The only downside to this Sunday brunch is that the Prodigal Son was not present. His work prevented him from sharing this moment with us.

I know soon the other children will also start missing meals and family gatherings. It’s just the way things work. But, at least I could hold on to this moment a little while longer. This trivial moment in time, no matter how insignificant it is, will contribute to the enduring bond of this family. And, it is in this moment, working their way through the insignificant chatter, my children’s fears, beliefs, hopes and dreams are usually revealed in their own majestic and magical way.

So as long as there’s bacon, eggs, and rice there’s no reason why Sunday brunch should not continue. If my wife and I consider the Sunday brunch is an intregal part of our family bonding, then we will have more trivial but insightful conversations like the ones listed above. 

My wife is comming back from the Philippines today. Needless to say, I cannot concentrate long enough to write down my ideas for today’s post.

To take the easy way out, I’m going to post a poem that captures the essence of my love for my wife (yes, cheese is ooozing out of me right now).

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…”
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! — and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

This is an in your face post to all the A-list bloggers out there with thousands of RSS subscribers and readers. Yes, I only have two averaged subscriber and sometimes it’s only one. But it doesn’t really matter, I am not envious or bitter because I know for a fact that GOD, yes the Almighty One, reads my blog.

How can I be sure? Read this!

Yesterday’s post was about how to listen to your children and how to be aware of their direct and indirect communication methods. I felt pretty good writing that post. I was able to really share some good information with my readers. This elation that enveloped me lasted the whole day. I was beaming with pride and confidence as I walk through the classrooms to observe some teachers and students. However, everything changed the minute we, Smiley Face and I, got into the car to go home.

I first asked how her day went. She said everything was great! So I said, “great.” I settled into my I’m getting ready to battle traffic mode. I turned on the music and I started to let my body relax. As soon as I pulled out of the school parking lot, God, with his/her divine humor, showed up.

Yes, God showed up! How? He made his presence known through my daughter Smiley Face.

Smiley Face started talking to me about her dreams. I turned down the radio and listened to her intently. It was the least I could do. Heck! I just posted on my blog the topic about listening to your children effectively. I would be the biggest hypocrite if I didn’t pay attention to my own daughter, my car buddy.

So, I listened. And listened. And listened some more. Geeeeez Loiiiis! She talked and talked and talked the entire trip, 1 1/2 hours worth of jabbing about dreams, video games, her analyzing dreams, her little brother’s dreams, and on and on and on.

I wanted to tune her off. I increased the radio volume a litte bit higher but she lowered it down so that I can hear her better. So I gave a lot of  really? huh? wow! you don’t say? that’s funny. ok. ok. ok…

I could not ignore her. I didn’t want to break the same advice I gave on my blog. I practice what I preach! But, oh how I wished she’d stop talking. I wished I had the courage to tell her to be quiet, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to stiffle her imagination and her self-expression.

By nature, Smiley Face, like everyone in the family, is a talker. But, like everyone in the family, she hardly speaks when she’s in the classroom. So after school, I become her default listener.

Wait, it gets better. When we got home, I thought my ears could finally rest. Sadly, God was not finish with me yet. As soon as we walked in, CJ, met us enthusiastically at the door and he started telling us stories about his day. Every time I look away, he would put his hands on my cheeks and made me look at him. I guess he was just trying to make sure if I was really listening to him. So, I got a healthy dose of “a day in a life of a 3 year old evil genius.”

My ears finally got their rest when everyone went to bed. I got ready for bed and acknowledge my true fan, God, that I got the message.

Maybe if I start going to church on Sundays instead of blog hopping, he would leave me alone?

Naaaaaaah…

photo from epilepsyfoundation.org 

There’s the problem! We parents try to talk too much to our teenagers. Teenagers don’t need to be talked to; they need to be listened to.

Do you remember your teenage years when everyone was trying to talk to you? Your teachers talked to you, your friends talked to you, the school counselor talked to you, and of course the police talked to you. And when you got home, your parents talked to you. Man, by the time you went to bed, you were already tone deaf because everyone talked your ear off.

It’s simply amazing that even if we experienced the same exact thing that our teenagers are going through right now, we still fail to understand, to sympathize, or to empathize with what they, our teenagers, are experiencing.

What’s worse is that if we comb the internet and bookstores for advice on how to talk to teenagers, we will get the same exact crap that everyone is peddling. Every single teenage parenting experts and parenting advice blogs try to teach us on how to talk to our teenagers.

The how to talk to your teenager line of thinking will never work with teenagers because by talking to them, you are actually imposing your own will and value system on them. The idea of imposing something on a teenager is doomed to begin with because by nature, either passively or aggressively, teenagers will try to resist control. And when there’s resistance, there will be no progress. Yes, they will nod their head and yes they will do what you ask them to do, but only for a short period of time, because all they really want is for you to stop talking. This means that they haven’t really internalized everything that you have said.

So what is the best way to have teenagers heed our advice? The first thing we need to do is to listen to what they have to say directly and indirectly.

Here’s the real deal. Everyone who knows me, especially my children, knows that I love to talk. And when problem surfaces with any of my children, I sometimes talk their ear off. Every time I resort to this type of parenting, the same issue or problem somehow makes its way back.

I will provide a couple of examples that happened with my own teenagers. I will keep the situation very general in order to respect and protect my children’s privacy. But I will provide enough information in order to make a distinction between talking and listening.

The first example has to do with the prodigal son. He wanted to graduate from High School early because he had enough credits to do so. Instead of listening carefully to his reasons, I jumped the gun and started talking to him about the advantages of staying longer, like being able to take more classes that he will need in college, or experience the joys of being a senior in high school. With out a fuss, the prodigal son followed my advice.

However, this is not the end of the story, in his senior year, problems and obstacles started popping up. Mind you, this is a young man without any previous school infractions. Had I listened to him, most of the crazy things that occurred could’ve been prevented. He was trying to tell me in his indirect way that he was ready to move on. But, I didn’t listen; instead I talked and talked and talked.

Another teenage issue surfaced with the family genius. She spoke a lot about what went on with her classes and at school. She expressed some concerns. As a school administrator and a teacher, I started talking and explaining why schools and teachers sometimes find it necessary to enact certain rules and guidelines. I advised her on what she needed to do in order to conquer the obstacles that were in front of her.

Anyone who was listening to our conversation would have totally agreed that I gave a balance and practical advice. The family genius nodded and said ok. I thought I made some in roads, but unfortunately I created more obstacles on her path because I allowed myself and my home to be a part of the very same thing she was questioning.

The family genius’ school issues worsen and I continued to talk and talk and sometimes scream and scream. Then I stopped talking, but I also didn’t listen. I resigned with the notion that everything will eventually work itself out when she figured out what she needed to do. But this didn’t happen.

The turning point came when a conference was held at the school. I was present and the school administrators were also there. I didn’t talk much during the meeting because I knew the school administration will usually do most of the talking. The family genius did talk a lot because she had to respond to some of the school administration’s questions.

As I listened to my daughter, I realized that I have already heard her answers before, albeit they were expressed in a different manner. When we had our initial talks before things got worse, she already expressed the same sentiments, but I didn’t catch them. I didn’t catch them because I wasn’t listening to her. All of the things that happened could’ve been prevented had I listened to her and requested a meeting with the school administration. But that’s the problem, it was easier for me to give her an advice rather than listen to her carefully and act on the cues that she was giving me.

My children suffered unnecessarily because I failed to listen to them. I took the easy route, I talked and not listened.

We as parents, most of the time would say to our teenagers, “Why don’t you listen?” The simple fact is that children will always mirror adult behavior. So if we want our children to listen to us, we must model the behavior of listening.

In the beginning, it will be tough just to listen because our natural inclination is to jump in and interrupt and spout out some parental advice and no how. But we have to realize that our ultimate goal is for our teenagers to be well adjusted adults and we can only do this is if we listen to them.

Since our teenagers are going through so much stuff, like peer pressure, biological changes, and social anxiety, all they really want is for us to listen to them so they can vent. And if they need our advice, they will ask for it naturally. But if we don’t learn how to listen to them, then they will turn to other people who will.

Would we want to be the ones who listen to our children or would we rather have someone from the streets or on the internet to listen to them?

The choice is ours!

photo from clangnuts.com

It’s Earth Day! So I figured I would share with you an important study regarding Global Warming.

A researcher, me, has discovered after years of extensive study that the main reason for Global Warming is children. The reasearcher, me, followed children who came from different age group. These children are now 20, 18, 15, 11, and 3 years old respectively.

I have compiled massive amounts of data, but for the sake of brevity, I will summarize my findings, share my analysis and present my conclusion. The following is a brief account of my laborious effort in meticulously documenting the adverse effects of children on the environment.

Water: Water is perhaps one of the most important life-sustaining natural resource we have. We are also painfully aware that we don’t have an endless supply of fresh water. My research shows that the reason why we our losing our water supply at an alarming rate is because of children. Children use water like there’s no tomorrow. Here are some examples of this misuse and abuse attitude:

1. They take 30-45 minute showers, especially the girls, and their excuse is, “But Daddy, I have long hair.”

2. The boys are no better. They like to have the water running while they do a number 2 because, “…Daddy, the sound of water running calms me.”

3. The 3 year old is no exception. He keeps turning on the water, plugging the bathroom sink and watching the water flood the bathroom floor. Or better yet, he keeps flushing the toilet because he says, “…look Daddy, the spinning water, it’s cool, right?”

Electricity: Where do I possibly start on this one. I discovered that the children’s wasteful attitude towards electricity is not only detrimental to the evironment, but it also has a devastating effect on my glorious locks. But, this is another issue that will be tackled later. For now, I will focus on the children’s abusive use of electricity.

1. One is scared of the dark and has a habit of waking up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water. Naturally, the kitchen light needs to stay on to minimize the fear of darkness.

2. The 3 year old will turn on all the TV in the house, thank God we only have two, and leave it on because he likes to listen to his favorite shows while he plays with his toys.

3. The 20 year old will turn on his bedroom lights, leave it on forever, goes to the dining room, turns on the lights and leave it on forever, he goes to sleep, wakes up and goes to work without turning off the lights.

4. When they are all in the house, which is most of the time, the TV, computer, laptops, radio, lights, video game consoles and the air-condition are all blasting in full force.

Gas: As we speak, gas is almost $4.00/gallon. But this is not really important to these eco-assassins. Here’s what they do.

1. “Daddy, can I borrow your car, my car doesn’t have gas anymore.”

2. “Daddy, can I use the car, I’m going to the movies?”

3. “Daddy let’s got to the mall.” (replace mall with the following: park, McDonalds, grandmas house, etc…)

4. “Daddy, I missed the bus can you drive me to school?” or “Daddy, can you pick me up from school, I had to stay late.”

Plastic: It’s amazing how much plastic these eco-terrorists use during the course of their childhood. All you have to do is walk into my garage and you will see a landfill of plastic. On Christmas, birthdays, baptisms, graduations, bribery, these are the occasions when children use up the most plastic. Plastics are unfortuantely use for: toys, cellphones, mp3 and discman players, video game consoles and games, etc..

My account here, as a researcher, clearly exhibits children’s adverse effects on our environment. But, I only have myself to blame. It’s my dependence on the dimpled smiles, the infectious laughters, the hugs and kisses, the expressions on their faces when you arrive from work, the engaging conversations, the unending stories about their dreams last night, their crazy accounts of their days at school or at work, and the “Hi, Daddy” greetings. If I cannot end my addiction to these things, I will not be able to help the environment.

I tried many strategies to combat this malady in my home, but I was a miserable failure. However, there’s hope. They will soon grow-up, move out of the house and have their own children. When this happens, I can do my part for the environment.

But wait, when they have children, that means I am a grandfather, which means more toys and more car trips.

This is what I mean! The vicious cycle never ends. Children Are The Cause Of Global Warming!